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Teen Poetry #2
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hoppy
Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271


0 posted 2000-02-01 03:00 PM


De Ja Vu

Like De ja vu
Wish it were through
Want it to end
The rules won't bend
I'm losing the game
Your to blame
I see your madness
I feel is constant sadness
You wish you weren't here
Pass me a beer
Watch me fade to black
She stabed me in the back
Hearts blood crosses the floor
You shut the door
My world fades away
What else can i say
We're no longer one, but two
Like de ja vu
We're through

1-13-99  



 "Which is the dream?"

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© Copyright 2000 Hoppy - All Rights Reserved
sweetcollege_girl
Senior Member
since 1999-12-03
Posts 872
just about where I want to be
1 posted 2000-02-01 03:06 PM


hoppy...i gotta hand it to you! this poem is great! Teriffic! Man, totally amazing! Way to go! Wow!

~~Lavada

poetry_kills
Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549
new orleans
2 posted 2000-02-01 04:42 PM


hoppy: i really like the last 3 lines in this one... very powerful... i do, however, feel that the rhymes in the poem are a bit sing-songy... i've never been a huge fan of exact rhyme... perhaps you could spice it up a bit with some approximate rhyme here and there... for example: "i'm losing the game/ and i'm going insane/ but you're to blame/ for this lightning rain"... game and insane are approximate rhymes, just as blame and rain are... anyway... that's my suggestion...

sincerely,
jerome the boy with no brain

 A savage place! as holy and enchanted
As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon-lover!
~Coleridge

hoppy
Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 271

4 posted 2000-02-01 05:28 PM


thanks for the critiqing, i myself do not like a sing songy kind of rhyme scheme, usually i prefer slant rhyme as you described but i liked the way it sounded in this one, sort of a dance of words.  

 "Which is the dream?"

SUBMIT YOUR POETRY HERE, AWSOME PAGE.
http://members.xoom.com/weeklyhoppy

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