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Passions in Poetry

Mary

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Safwan Arekat
Junior Member
since 01-29-2000
Posts 38
Bahrain


0 posted 01-29-2000 12:22 PM       View Profile for Safwan Arekat   Email Safwan Arekat   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Safwan Arekat's Home Page   View IP for Safwan Arekat



Mary

You must not waste
your heart in haste
on a fling so fast,
you must be chaste

They are not morals
what I preach
the Virgin Mary’s
out of reach

But one more Mary’s
full of life
Her heart, her soul,
is still alive

It hurts so deep,
that you will weep
when all his promises,
he will not keep

So.. Listen to me
you’ve found the way
to save your soul
from a road astray

The time will come
and all too soon
when you go flying
to the moon

But until then
just sing a song

for a one called Mary

all night long

Safwan Arekat

http://magicboat.com



[This message has been edited by Safwan Arekat (edited 01-29-2000).]
© Copyright 2000 Safwan Arekat - All Rights Reserved
Koon
Junior Member
since 01-27-2000
Posts 45
Singapore


1 posted 01-29-2000 12:38 PM       View Profile for Koon   Email Koon   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Koon

Beautiful poem...really encouraging...

 Koon-
ESP
Member Elite
since 01-25-2000
Posts 2574
Floating gently on a cloud....


2 posted 01-29-2000 05:35 PM       View Profile for ESP   Email ESP   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ESP

Lovely poem. Keep writing and  
poetry_kills
Senior Member
since 12-04-1999
Posts 552
new orleans


3 posted 01-29-2000 06:00 PM       View Profile for poetry_kills   Email poetry_kills   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit poetry_kills's Home Page   View IP for poetry_kills

safwan: i think you have a magnificent poem in the works here, but i see a few things that also might be amended to make it more effective still... here are my thoughts (suggestions only, of course... you should do what you see fit): i honestly feel that a lot of the 4 line stanzas (stanza 1, 4, 5 &6) could be condensed into two line stanzas that say the same thing... brevity (in my opinion) always gives a poem power... here's a possible reworked version of the poem:

Mary

Will you sacrifice your heart in haste
To a lover's fling? No! Stay chaste.

They are not morals that I preach
the Virgin Mary is out of reach

But one more Mary’s full of life
Her heart, her soul, is still alive

Pain will cause your eyes to well and weep
When his promises your lover does not keep

Listen to me... I know you've found the way
To keep your soul from wandering astray

Love's time will come, and all too soon
When you will be sent soaring to the moon

But until then
just sing a song

for one called Mary

all night long

this is just my idea (and opinon) of course... but i feel the shortening of the form (and the regularity of the stanzas) makes the poem more powerful... hope that i've been of some help and i hope to read more of you beautiful poetry on the forum soon...

sincerely,
jerome the boy with numb hands



 A savage place! as holy and enchanted
As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon-lover!
~Coleridge
Safwan Arekat
Junior Member
since 01-29-2000
Posts 38
Bahrain


4 posted 01-29-2000 09:15 PM       View Profile for Safwan Arekat   Email Safwan Arekat   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Safwan Arekat's Home Page   View IP for Safwan Arekat



Thank you all for the encouraging replies to my posts. Especially to jerome who surprised me with the time he invested in his reply. But I think "Mary" is meant to be more of a "chant". I wrote it to reward Mary because I thought her attitude about sex was proper. But Again that is my opinion.

Safwan



[This message has been edited by Safwan Arekat (edited 01-29-2000).]
THE-1-U-DISLIKE
Junior Member
since 11-07-2003
Posts 20


5 posted 11-07-2003 04:01 PM       View Profile for THE-1-U-DISLIKE   Email THE-1-U-DISLIKE   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for THE-1-U-DISLIKE

nice poem
Artic Wind
Member Rara Avis
since 09-16-2007
Posts 8075
Realm of Supernatural


6 posted 11-15-2007 07:48 PM       View Profile for Artic Wind   Email Artic Wind   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Artic Wind

Enjoyed

ARCTIC WIND
 
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