safwan: i think you have a magnificent poem in the works here, but i see a few things that also might be amended to make it more effective still... here are my thoughts (suggestions only, of course... you should do what you see fit): i honestly feel that a lot of the 4 line stanzas (stanza 1, 4, 5 &6) could be condensed into two line stanzas that say the same thing... brevity (in my opinion) always gives a poem power... here's a possible reworked version of the poem:
Will you sacrifice your heart in haste
To a lover's fling? No! Stay chaste.
They are not morals that I preach
the Virgin Mary is out of reach
But one more Mary’s full of life
Her heart, her soul, is still alive
Pain will cause your eyes to well and weep
When his promises your lover does not keep
Listen to me... I know you've found the way
To keep your soul from wandering astray
Love's time will come, and all too soon
When you will be sent soaring to the moon
But until then
just sing a song
for one called Mary
all night long
this is just my idea (and opinon) of course... but i feel the shortening of the form (and the regularity of the stanzas) makes the poem more powerful... hope that i've been of some help and i hope to read more of you beautiful poetry on the forum soon...
jerome the boy with numb hands
A savage place! as holy and enchanted
As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon-lover!