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Mary
| Teen Poetry #2 |
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Mary |
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Safwan Arekat Junior Member
since 2000-01-29
Posts 38Bahrain |
Mary You must not waste your heart in haste on a fling so fast, you must be chaste They are not morals what I preach the Virgin Mary’s out of reach But one more Mary’s full of life Her heart, her soul, is still alive It hurts so deep, that you will weep when all his promises, he will not keep So.. Listen to me you’ve found the way to save your soul from a road astray The time will come and all too soon when you go flying to the moon But until then just sing a song for a one called Mary all night long Safwan Arekat http://magicboat.com [This message has been edited by Safwan Arekat (edited 01-29-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Safwan Arekat - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Koon Junior Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 43Singapore |
Beautiful poem...really encouraging... Koon- |
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ESP Member Elite
since 2000-01-25
Posts 2556Floating gently on a cloud.... |
Lovely poem. Keep writing and  |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
safwan: i think you have a magnificent poem in the works here, but i see a few things that also might be amended to make it more effective still... here are my thoughts (suggestions only, of course... you should do what you see fit): i honestly feel that a lot of the 4 line stanzas (stanza 1, 4, 5 &6) could be condensed into two line stanzas that say the same thing... brevity (in my opinion) always gives a poem power... here's a possible reworked version of the poem: Mary Will you sacrifice your heart in haste To a lover's fling? No! Stay chaste. They are not morals that I preach the Virgin Mary is out of reach But one more Mary’s full of life Her heart, her soul, is still alive Pain will cause your eyes to well and weep When his promises your lover does not keep Listen to me... I know you've found the way To keep your soul from wandering astray Love's time will come, and all too soon When you will be sent soaring to the moon But until then just sing a song for one called Mary all night long this is just my idea (and opinon) of course... but i feel the shortening of the form (and the regularity of the stanzas) makes the poem more powerful... hope that i've been of some help and i hope to read more of you beautiful poetry on the forum soon... sincerely, jerome the boy with numb hands A savage place! as holy and enchanted As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted By woman wailing for her demon-lover! ~Coleridge |
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Safwan Arekat Junior Member
since 2000-01-29
Posts 38Bahrain |
Thank you all for the encouraging replies to my posts. Especially to jerome who surprised me with the time he invested in his reply. But I think "Mary" is meant to be more of a "chant". I wrote it to reward Mary because I thought her attitude about sex was proper. But Again that is my opinion. Safwan [This message has been edited by Safwan Arekat (edited 01-29-2000).] |
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THE-1-U-DISLIKE Junior Member
since 2003-11-07
Posts 20 |
nice poem |
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Artic Wind Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 8080Realm of Supernatural |
Enjoyed ARCTIC WIND |
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