Ghetto Life Strife - pipTalk Forums

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besttpoet
New Member

since 1999-12-30

Posts 6

0 posted 1999-12-30 01:36 AM

Ghetto Life brings much strife
livin like you been stabbed daily
with a kitchen knife
But I know they aint no shame in this strife
cuz da gehtto life is what i suvive
I see pot being s0old on the streets
But it's somethin I've learned to accpeet
Ghetto life is my strife
nad my life

Astraea
Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 378
California! Yeah! Okay, I'm done now

1 posted 1999-12-30 01:41 AM

The point is nice. Maybe a little better spelling, but otherwise lovely.

~Astraea

"Sometimes stars can only be seen in darkness."

"Sorrow's crown of sorrow is remembering happier things."

SuGaR*sTaR
New Member

since 1999-09-19

Posts 7
louisville,ky

2 posted 1999-12-30 01:57 AM

strife, and strife, also strife... i think that you need a thesaurus.

ps strife

Midnight
Junior Member

since 1999-11-25

Posts 28

3 posted 1999-12-30 02:20 AM

I have to agree with Sugar here...besides, I think you need to describe it more, or something, to make it better, because all you said was you feel stabbed, and it's like..."why? what happened to her/him?"

PoeticDreams
Junior Member

since 1999-12-23

Posts 35
Lindsay,Oklahoma US

4 posted 1999-12-30 03:42 AM

Livin it the ghetto like you. I understand wha you sayin. Its aight I like it. Keep up tha good work. maybe one day you'll bring in the $bling $bling fo it! lol

~¤Always look to the
sunrise and you'll never
see the shadows¤~Anee
Frank

Marilyn
Member Elite

since 1999-09-26

Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada

5 posted 1999-12-31 12:58 PM

To add a little perspective here. It all depends on who you are writting this for. If it is just for you then the imagery is finer in this. If you want to reach out to your readers and put them in your shoes then it needs to imporve.

Poetic Dreams can relate to this piece because she has grown up in the same situation. I, on the other hand have not. For me this piece does not stir a reaction.

Create a picture for me. For example..

Ghetto Life brings much strife
livin like you been stabbed daily
with a kitchen knife

Try something like this.....

Ghetto life brings so much strife,
Daily stabbed with kitchen knife.
Flesh is torn with ragged blade,
Life seeps out but still is stayed.
Ashamed am I? I say not,
Surviving this is my lot.

This is just an example of what I see in this piece. I rearanged some of the words and added a few for imagery. I hope you are not insulted with my attempt here.

Again if you would like some pointers please e-mail me.

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