this was REALLY spare of the moment. scribble

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Teen Poetry #2

this was REALLY spare of the moment. scribble

shell-grunge
Junior Member

since 1999-12-23

Posts 17

0 posted 1999-12-29 06:10 AM

sometimes it cains when motivation comes and stabs you in the back.
a horn in your side
to mesh your head.

a push in a wish, elastic with air.
is sick and withdrawn.
the realms remain unfeed.

horns in my insides, preach rymes of salvation
he rages in his bubble
she slams the cots head

the speach thats raved infinite drones
can't prickle my ears
don't mock my stammer
my arms are cobwebed

?????????????????

Tina TT
Junior Member

since 1999-11-01

Posts 45
Victoria, Australia

1 posted 1999-12-29 10:24 AM

It might be just me but I didn't reallly understand it...sorry! But the words had an impact of some sort of violence or something like that. I dunno

Marilyn
Member Elite

since 1999-09-26

Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada

2 posted 1999-12-29 12:13 PM

My suggestion for you is to take another look at this. Rework it. It has the potiential of a good piece but right now is very rough. I woulos also take a good look at some of the words you have used, unfeed is not a word. There are a couple of other examples in this piece. There is a thing called poetic lience but you need to use words that exist.

I would be interested in seeing the reworked piece.

Leigh
Junior Member

since 1999-12-29

Posts 20

3 posted 1999-12-29 12:55 PM

You have a very great ability to describe things! Keep working on this poem and I'm sure it will turn into something very deep and touching.

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