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Teen Poetry #2
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metaphorical
| Teen Poetry #2 |
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metaphorical |
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starlight84 New Member
since 1999-11-16
Posts 9harrisburg, pa, us |
This poem can be sort of metaphorical if you look into it.. i'll leave that to you. i'm afraid it's a little choppy though.. let me know what you think  *** Ruins of the Earth, Left behind to contemplate, A paradoxal rebirth, But learning must wait. Irony is enthroned in coincedince. The rise of failure has begun. Time tramples over the fool's wince, As Earth is on its run. How does one destroy its foe, When its foe is its own? The boat that has been left to row, Cannot row alone. Outstretched arms reach culture. Closer, void is found. Eyes of a vulture, Are pouncing and unwound. Spiraling perils of fear Are encircled by layers. Their members will not hear, Prophets or sooth sayers. A star falls, The moon no longer shines. Darkness calls, Lonliness pines. The boat will die, And sink to the ocean floor. Shores cruelly wave goodbye, To the earth that is no more. *** |
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| © Copyright 1999 starlight84 - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Welcome to Passions! This is a wonderful piece. I really enjoyed it. You are right it is choppy in a couple of places. Tripped me up ( I had to read the lines a couple of times). The problem is small and can be smoothed out easily. It lays in the stressed and unstressed syllables in the lines. Try to rework it and I am sure it will be even better. Great job again! |
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starlight84 New Member
since 1999-11-16
Posts 9harrisburg, pa, us |
could you give me an example? i think i understand, like the way it reads, kind of? |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
I most certainly can.. .Ruins of the Earth, Left behind to contemplate, A paradoxal rebirth, But learning must wait. Your first stanza reads like this: RUINS-of/the-EARTH LEFT-be/HIND-to/CON-tem-PLATE a-PAR/a-DOX/al-re/BIRTH but-LEARN/ing-MUST/WAIT These are the stressed syllables in these lines. What you need to do is iron them out so that the stressors fall in the same place in each line. eg. BUM-bum/BUM-bum/BUM-bum When this is accomplished the poem flows so smoothly the reader is at the eand of the poem in no time flat. It is over before you know it. Refer to Balladeers work in open. He always has an amazing flow to his poems. There are some excellent poetry sites that explain meter. I will look some up for you and post them. |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
I have to say, I liked some of the images that you've used. Ex. "Outstretched arms reach culture." I love to read and imagine something that might have a deeper meaning. You know what I mean? Overall, the rhyme seems to be forced. When I write, I try to make the rhyme seem as if it doesn't exist, let the poem flow off your tongue. Many people believe that by putting words that rhyme last they rhyme in poetry. It's not that easy. The poem must have a meter and when you read it should be very smooth. I don't know how to explain it, but when I write I just feel it. But, anyway, it's one of the few good poems that I've seen here on this forum, but it still needs a lot of work. Don't give up, you have a good imagination! Keep writing and take no comments too seriously! Good Luck! |
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