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Teen Poetry #2
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# 179
| Teen Poetry #2 |
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# 179 |
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Trinity New Member
since 1999-11-18
Posts 6rockford,il,usa |
you said i was just hallucinating you said i was just a child in the dark you said i was going to my own purgatory well the tour bus man was nice enough about that when did mahtma wither away in his elegy why did they potray me with a suffocating smile and a greasy euphemism you blazoned my darkness embezzeled my deepness told me i am just a child in the dark HEY but i've got my own oil now and these new eyes,they see a translucent foe and my torched bright shoulders have learned to move on so it's a step for me, my impregnated spirit i am being born, i am being born with a new chapter i've laughed at your presence i am my own sage now i have my own oil now ------------------ the best thing about life is.....knowing you put it together ~Trent Reznor [This message has been edited by Trinity (edited 11-20-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Trinity - All Rights Reserved | |||
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x96kxrkgrl Junior Member
since 1999-11-18
Posts 11Marion, Ohio, US |
I am a little confused by your poem. The words you use are too complicated I think. ------------------ ~Melissa~ |
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Trinity New Member
since 1999-11-18
Posts 6rockford,il,usa |
well..it wasnt supposed to be complicated..not to be mean..but maybe a dictionary or thesaurus might help?? ------------------ the best thing about life is.....knowing you put it together ~Trent Reznor |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
This was great! I liked it alot. I do have a couple of thoughts for you. 1) You didn't Capitalize at the beginning of your Lines....*just a tiny thing* 2) I didn't like the line: well the tour bus man was nice enough about that Could we loose the about that? 3) Your meter is not the same throughout this piece. It makes it difficult to read. These are just minor flaws and can easily be smoothed out. Great job! |
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Trinity New Member
since 1999-11-18
Posts 6rockford,il,usa |
yeah well i noticed i didnt capitalized.. but i dont usually capitalize most things...anyways that wasnt my best poem.. it was kind of "i-was-so-bored-i-wrote-a-half-assed-poem" sorta thing....i could have done better if i tried a little harder... ------------------ the best thing about life is.....knowing you put it together ~Trent Reznor |
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