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Teen Poetry #2
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Mother's Lament ( I am not a teen but thought you might want to see my work)
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Teen Poetry #2
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Mother's Lament ( I am not a teen but thought you might want to see my work)
| Teen Poetry #2 |
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Mother's Lament ( I am not a teen but thought you might want to see my work) |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Since I reply here frequently I thought you might want to see a sample of my work. Please feel free to critque me as I do some of you. Mother's Lament My child, I lay you down to sleep. To the past my thoughts do creep. To your first breath my soul doth fly, My broken heart sreams why, why, why? I feel you nursing at my breast, My heart so full, my soul at rest. Your soft sweet skin, silk angel hair. Again ask why, so much I care? I must breathe on, though you do not, As I live you won't be forgot. The dreams for you that I have sought, Are rubbish now in this cold plot. So much for you my heart did crave, Graduation bold and brave. Your wedding day, your Mom so proud, My dreams, and yours, wrapped int his shroud. My thoughts be still, I'd lay me down, Beside your casket in the ground. I wake, and wake another day, My heart turns cold, I age and grey. So now I lay you down to sleep, No more, I pray, my thoughts to creep. |
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| © Copyright 1999 Marilyn - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Systematic Decay Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301That place with padded walls and funny people in white......... |
I loved this one the first time I read it (Wasn't it in CA?) and I love it now.  ------------------ Thinking is just what a great many people think they are doing when they are merely rearranging their predjudices. |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Yes Amy it was in CA....worked on it and changed it. It was in need of some work then...lol |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Bumping this for anyone interested in reading it. |
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Mistikman Senior Member
since 2000-01-10
Posts 682San Jose, CA, USA |
Wow Marylin, I mean, geeze, this is awsome, why did no one reply to it when you first posted it? The pain and heartache just ooze off it. This poem gave me goosebumps. Wow, I dont know what else to say. I am not a poet, I am merely one who speaks in emotion |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
marilyn: i really like this one (i'd even venture to say better than the other you posted) and since i'm a little closer to having to think about such things as this than some of the other memebers here, i thought i'd give you my sentiments... this is a very mournful poem and i get more of a feeling of sorrow than i do one of lament (to me a "lament" is something more active in it's mourning) but despite the difference i detect in tone, i think the title fits very well... to be honest, i've often entertained the ideas of what it might be like to lose a child... i think my thoughts have dwelled more on the high possibility of miscarriage rather than post-natal mortality, but either way this poem hits me pretty hard... now, i certainly dont expect you to answer, but i just have to ask... is this a poem from personal experience?... if so, then i am deeply sorry for your loss... i cannot even begin to imagine what it must be like... but also know that if those thoughts DO come creeping back, you have a group of shoulders to cry on here at passions... sincerely, jerome A savage place! as holy and enchanted As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted By woman wailing for her demon-lover! ~Coleridge |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
I am not sure why no one replied to this piece. maybe because I put I wasn't a teen in the thread subject? I was not a moderator at that point. I had the position but it had not been made official yet, Ron was looking for a teen to co-moderate with me at that time. That could be the answer? I wrote this poem 3 years ago when my best friends son dies of SIDS. The pain and loss she suffered was unimaginable. I worked very hard editing and rearranging, perfecting. it had to be just right for her. |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
marilyn: i've never held that it's the quantity of replies as much as the quality of replies that truly matters, that's why i try to put effort into my responses (and possibly why you do the same)... as a secondary comment on the poem itself -- looking at it now from the perspective you've given, i think this poem is a wonderful expression of sorrow through the mother's eyes, but i think it also speaks volumes about the heart of the author... sincerely, jerome the boy with no brain A savage place! as holy and enchanted As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted By woman wailing for her demon-lover! ~Coleridge |
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Angel Senior Member
since 1999-07-02
Posts 551Pennsylvania |
I saw this one the first time around in CA as well. I think it is a very well written piece and the changes you have made to it only add to its powerfulness. You have met the challenge of capturing your friends feelings outstandingly well. I can not begin to imagine what the gaping hole the loss of a child would leave. I also believe you should post more of your work in this forum. After all, you are just as much a part of it as any one of us, regardless of age. You are very much appreciated  .~Susie~ |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Bumping this up on request. |
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DziR Junior Member
since 2000-03-29
Posts 11Sydney, Australia |
This poem touched a spot in my heart that not very many people know even exists!!! My sister died of SIDS when she wasn't even 2, on my other sisters birthday. Even though she was my sister not my child, I can relate to what you wrote about. You have captured the mood perfectly. I hope more people are inclined to read and reply, as this subject obviously means alot to you. |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
Marilyn, this is an absolutely brilliant piece. As I have not read much of your work, this piece has captured me and made me think of how it would be to lose a child. As I am not captured very often by many pieces, this one was notable! I must agree with Jerome in the fact that in replies, the quality of them is what makes us a better writer. All of my work which you have replied to has impacted on me in some way so that I can fix up areas to imporve it. Your work I feel has no need for improvement as you are already a fantastic writer. This poem particulary, holds so much depth and expression that the emtotions practically jump of the screen at me. A large amount of sorrow ran through me when I was reading this as I can only begin to imagine what it must have been like for your friend to have a loss so great. Your editing and final piece is something to treasure. Once again this is great work. Bravo. ~AF~ "Poetry is the language in which man explores his own amazement." Christopher Fry |
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ESP Member Elite
since 2000-01-25
Posts 2556Floating gently on a cloud.... |
This is an amazing piece of poetry, Marilyn. Thanks for bumping it up cos I probably would have missed it if you hadn't. I can feel the sorrow expressed here so clearly. Thank God ou haven't lost a child in this way. The pain must be unbearable for the mother. I have to agree with Jerome, it's the quality of the replies that counts not the quantity. Having said that, I can't understand why not so many people have replied....it is an excellent poem. Love and hugs, Lizzie  |
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4eva_at_heart Member
since 2000-02-12
Posts 238 |
WOW!! this is by far one of the best poems i have ever read!! seriously...although strong use of words put together in a certain way make me shed a tear....this made me shed a whole Atlantic Ocean. this has seriiusky made me think about losing a child...ok...i may be only 15...but i do wanna have kids when i'm older...and just the thought of being the woman in the poem made me so cautious and opened my eyes to the harsh realities that occir sometimes too often. Once again GREAT PIECE! i'm sure anybody who has had you reply on their work and who has read your poems will be very appreciative of the advice and hints that you could offer on enhancing a poem your new poetry fan Bec "tears are the essence of our souls" |
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Danny Holloway Member Elite
since 2000-01-15
Posts 2034Tulsa, OK |
Marilyn, beautifully written. Nothing can be sadder than the loss of a child. Your poem carries such emotion and heartfelt pain. It's a pleasure to bump this back to the top. Danny A life isn't significant except for its impact on other lives. |
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FlipAngel Junior Member
since 2000-04-11
Posts 46Prior Lake, MN, USA |
Wow, this poem is wonderful! I absolutely love it. Do u mind if I print it out and show it to my friends? ~Rachel~ |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Thankyou all for your wonderful replies. I can only imagine the grief a mother has to bare when a child is lost. It is something I would never want to experience first hand nor would I wish it on anyone. FlipAngel...you are more then welcome to print this out and show to your friends. If it can cause awareness and compassion then my job was done. Thankyou for the compliment. |
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Danny Holloway Member Elite
since 2000-01-15
Posts 2034Tulsa, OK |
Bumping is fun! A life isn't significant except for its impact on other lives. |
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Mother's Lament ( I am not a teen but thought you might want to see my work)
