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Teen Poetry #2
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brief
| Teen Poetry #2 |
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brief |
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Kevin
since 1999-11-02
Posts 729Torrington, Ct, Usa 
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last night so brief, that moment still, I found a small perfection for years I looked, without a trace, to find in your complexion a little piece of happiness, your smile can only bring but as you lied there next to me, your eyes said not a thing. why is it when you want something, its never yours to own, why is it when you love someone, you always feel alone, you’ll never see me as I am, and probably just as well, for words don’t seem to hurt as much, when there’s nothing left to tell. |
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| © Copyright 1999 Kevin Bednarz - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
This is very good Kevin. I have a couple of suggestions though. Capitalization would put a finsihed feel to this piece as well as punctuation. There are few periods at the end of a thought. This causes the reader to trip over parts of it. they have to read a line more then once in oder to stop and start the thoughts. |
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JEBE Junior Member
since 1999-11-02
Posts 32WILMINGTON, NC, USA |
This is good....i love it when writing comes straight from the heart.Your rhythm needs a touchup and the transition from looking at her to seeing nothing kinda went to fast. I don't know if that made any sense but good work.On a personal level i know exactly what your talking about,and usually people ignore signs like that but whats in the eyes can make the diffrence. |
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