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Teen Poetry #2
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~Red~
Junior Member
since 1999-11-02
Posts 36
chicago, Ill-na, u.s.a.

0 posted 1999-11-02 11:40 PM


i know this is a tad bit long but it's one of my friends favs. I'd appreciate your comments on it. Thanx!

"Remember your Creation"
The distance to harmony
is the distance to the moon
And as silver drops of twilite
Are the tears of perfection
Too many are mislead byt their guilty lies
And only one, feels the need to cry
A darkness swept over
Screams fill the fields
which once existed of
Sweet memories of daffodils
And as the pain seems to drift closer
and the meloncholy starts to begin
The heavens full of their beauty
A thousand more than last counted
They spread across the moonlit sky
enchanted by their magnificence
And
Soft, in the distance
The mystic sounds of waves
Crashing against the shore
Seem to make me drift away
For love and beauty
rely in the hands of the creator
and are pure imagination
to those who can't see past lullabies
Translucent daydreams
A life full of thought
The stillness
And calming sereness
that overfills ones mind
And as tears of sweet chardonney
drizzle down from your innocent eyes
I breathe for you
Just one last time
And you look at me
with your graceful eyes
one last time
As they wish for you
I need you now
but its too late now
For the angels
have landed now
And they've crowded around you now
I wish it didn't have to be like this
I just wanted to let you know
That I love you
Blinding white light
Bright as a thousand suns too late
Black
The icy grip
has taken over once more
All that's left
Are the sweet memories
Of daffodils in the fields.



© Copyright 1999 R.t. - All Rights Reserved
Marilyn
Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada
1 posted 1999-11-03 11:58 AM


Welcome to Passions. I think this is very well done. The thoughts are sporatic and this gives a feeling of chaotic thinking. This of course is my interpritation. In reading it, I felt it was a mind searching for answers.
Systematic Decay
Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301
That place with padded walls and funny people in white.........
2 posted 1999-11-03 09:33 PM


I agree with Marilyn, and add one suggestion-reduce the "nows" towards the end.

I too, welcome you.

------------------
Thinking is just what a great many people think they are doing when they are merely rearranging their predjudices.



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