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Teen Poetry #2
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| Teen Poetry #2 |
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Olga Member
since 1999-07-26
Posts 152Brooklyn, NY, USA |
At first you asked me if I want to be yours, I answered “I don’t mind. Now I can see that I was obviously blind. You wounded my heart, And tore it apart. All your words were lies. I knew there was something not right, When I looked into your eyes. You then asked me to come back. I said, “How can I, When all you did was lie?” But then something told me to say yes to you, And that I did do. When I said yes, you just pushed me away, Told me to leave and not to stay. You said that you don’t love me And never did, You told me to let you be. Now you come to me, Asking to take you back again. My answer is no, Because how will I know, That you won’t cause me that pain? The answer is no. It’s time to let me go. It’s true what people say, “You want that which you can’t have.” So let it be this way!!! |
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| © Copyright 1999 Olga - All Rights Reserved | |||
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
this poem is a little confusing, only because it doesn't really show the emotions of the characters. it shows rather the events which transpired. what was your reaction when he pushed you away? what made you want to say yes? what were his feelings, or rathere, why don't you care about his feelings? i think that could be elaborated on, or maybe the subject or a new poem. i did enjoy the redemption that you received at the end. you said no when he came back. it's powerful and does well for the poem. there are some spelling errors, but i am not particualrly concerned with them. good luck. |
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JEBE Junior Member
since 1999-11-02
Posts 32WILMINGTON, NC, USA |
i like the way that your words sourda made the reader feel the pain you were feeling but i think that more detail maybe not so much a story but focus on the feelings and leave the reader not only reading the poem but feeling it...but great start |
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Olga Member
since 1999-07-26
Posts 152Brooklyn, NY, USA |
Yea, I'm trying to work on this poem, the thing is that I don't have that much feeligs for that guy anymore, cuz i've moved on and thats the only thing thats sorta stoping me from WANTING to rewrite it, but thatnx 4ur comments.  |
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JJ New Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 6AZ |
I know how you feel...or I guess I should say were feeling. I am going through the same thing right now and I'm seeing how unprepared I was for it. This is a really good poem I'm learning (slowly) that no guy deserves a girl if he treats her like that. |
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