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Arcane Chaos
New Member

since 1999-10-18

Posts 6
Coral Springs, FL, Broward

0 posted 1999-10-22 11:32 PM

Just started writing a few weeks ago, decided to post a poem I've written recently to see what people think.....(yeah, its a long one)

There I stood, in the center of town, covered in blood;
Stickly, sweet smelling, flowing from my head and heart;
Matted beneath my clothes, annointing my hands and feet, quite a flood;
Wounds always fresh, always flowing, dagger wedged between my ribs, will not part;

Cobblestone white is forevermore red;
Always hurting, the only nepenthe for my soul;
Pain shooting, blood flowing, an earthly balm;
Hides my mark, my true pain, the only way to go;

People walk by and show me their scrapes and sorrows;
Give me your burdens, I can carry it but you can't;
A little more won't matter;
Give me your stories, the marks on your soul, I can take it;
A little more never matters;

Hands bounded behind my back, feet chained to the ground;
And more people walk by, wondering why I don't move;
Never giving me another thought, never noticing the key in their hands;
Help if you want, but don't stain your hands;

I once looked up to see a fair sight;
Someone promising redemption, a angel from above;
Repulsed by the blood, the dagger drove in deeper;
Nothing pure shall touch these chains, no one foriegn to this kind of blood can understand;
It is indeed a just cloth the three sisters weave, however harsh the thread may be;

And in the distance, the croeth is heard;
Dark plume riding the wind, the ultimate redemption;
I yearn to see its approaching form, the raptor of souls;
But the blood is heavy, and echoes of Poe resound within my mind : nevermore;

Silently, in the night, my redeemer arrives;
Having travelled no less of a road than I did;
Cuts me down, I am now free;
Collapsing in her arms, I am restored;
She knows me better than anyone else;
Holding her, I wish for no other;
And in tears, the blood is washed away.

Really long one, and I'm hesitant on posting it among such wonderful poems....but I need input

Systematic Decay
Senior Member

since 1999-09-15

Posts 1301
That place with padded walls and funny people in white.........

1 posted 1999-10-23 01:23 AM

Arcane.....this is a very good poem, I like this very much. Don't ever doubt yourself, you have a lot of talent. I would suggest getting rid of the attempts to rhyme I saw mainy in the first two stanzas, and keep it purely free verse, and also, "Hands bounded behind my back" is incorrect grammar. Try bound instead of bounded. These few things aside, I think you have a great poem here. I suggest editing and posting in Dark Passions.

BTW:
"And more people walk by, wondering why I don't move;
Never giving me another thought, never noticing the key in their hands;
Help if you want, but don't stain your hands; "

This is very powerful phrasing, that I liked very much. I can also relate to being the bearer of others' problems.

BTW: Welcome to Passions. Please stick around here...so many new poets dissapear...

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"Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage."
-Billy Corgan-

Sweet Smoke
New Member

since 1999-10-23

Posts 8
Kailua-Kona, HI, USA

2 posted 1999-10-23 07:41 PM

really deep. i'm new to the poetry thing to. this board is the first time i've showed anyone my work and it's embarrassing posting it with all these great poems like yours.
-stay sweet- britt aka `sweet smoke`

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~all that we see is but a dream within a dream~

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