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Master
Senior Member

since 1999-08-18

Posts 1867
Boston, MA

0 posted 1999-10-18 12:38 PM

A stream of light attracts me closer
Against the current, to the pane
Where in the abyss of a poster
The autumn bleeds in drops of rain
The rain plays drums upon my window
In wild passion, stormy moans
The raging wind sets sounds into
Aligned rows of nature’s notes
By which the weather plays in ardor
To which the branches gently sway
The hand of time strikes harder, harder
As seasons softly fade away

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I fell in love and kept on falling

StratMatt
Member

since 1999-09-19

Posts 87
Macomb, IL, U.S.A.

1 posted 1999-10-18 12:46 PM

This is an amazingly vivid poem. It reminds me of doing the same exact thing, and I'm sure it could give close to the same image to a person who had never had that experience before.
This was my favorite line:
The autumn bleeds in drops of rain
And I thought maybe this one could use a change.

The rain plays drums upon my window
I dunno, maybe make it into a simile.
Like "The rain is a drum upon my window"
Just my thoughts though

Good work, I love the sensory description, my English teacher would love you.

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"Lost time is never found again." -Ben Franklin.

Master
Senior Member

since 1999-08-18

Posts 1867
Boston, MA

2 posted 1999-10-18 12:59 PM

Thanks, I'll consider your suggestion. I truly believe that the greatness of a poet is what emotions or images he can bring out from his readers, if you can see the same thing that I see then I've succeeded!

Systematic Decay
Senior Member

since 1999-09-15

Posts 1301
That place with padded walls and funny people in white.........

3 posted 1999-10-18 05:43 PM

How beautiful, Master. It seems I am looking out my window at the rain...so vivid and at the same time a bit melancholy...

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"Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage."
-Billy Corgan-

Master
Senior Member

since 1999-08-18

Posts 1867
Boston, MA

4 posted 1999-10-18 08:26 PM

THanks SysD! I'm glad you liked it!

StratMatt
Member

since 1999-09-19

Posts 87
Macomb, IL, U.S.A.

5 posted 1999-10-19 01:08 AM

Hey! Well, anyways, it's mostly like a stylistic difference between us. Anyway, I wanted to let you know I am truly impressed with your detail to the sensory descriptions in your poetry, this and others. I was impressed with all the other poems I read of your but since I didn't have anything really to say about them and I replied to this, I didn't say it.
Just wanted to let you know.
Keep up the good work, I enjoy reading it.

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"I went into the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front the essential facts of life, and to see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I never lived." -Henry David Thoreau
"All comedians want to be rock stars, because they're cool. They always look like they're about to vomit." -Dana Carvey

Master
Senior Member

since 1999-08-18

Posts 1867
Boston, MA

6 posted 1999-10-19 08:56 PM

Hey StratMatt, I'm glad you enjoy my work! I appreciatte your comments. About not responding much, I understand you there, I don't have too much free time either, so it's really ok! Thanks again!

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