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Teen Poetry #2
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A villanelle
| Teen Poetry #2 |
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A villanelle |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA 
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With love I ask for your forgiveness One can’t pursue a stronger goal Forgive me Love my love’s uniqueness I often grieve about my grievance But only love can cleanse my soul With love I ask for your forgiveness I’m sick with love, unruly sickness I beg you, sickness hear my call Forgive me Love my love’s uniqueness My leaking heart fills up with bleakness I beg you love, maintain your role With love I ask for your forgiveness Deprived of pride, dressed up in weakness Without love my heart seems dull Forgive me Love my love’s uniqueness Once and for all, I’ll speak in briefness Hear me once more, I will not stall With love I ask for your forgiveness Forgive me Love my love’s uniqueness |
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| © Copyright 1999 Andrey Kneller - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Systematic Decay Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301That place with padded walls and funny people in white......... |
Master, I like the poems content- However- the rhyme is not perfect- to perfect the rhyme for a structured poem, they should be exact rhymes, like cat, rat, that, sat....etc The meter is also very choppy. ------------------ Thinking is just what a great many people think they are doing when they are merely rearranging their predjudices. |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
I have to agree with Systematic Decay. This one could use a little more work. Your syllable count begins 9-8-9 and is that way most of the way through until the second last stanza. There you have a 9-7-9 count. In your last quatrain you have a 9-8-9-9 count. Your meter is off because of the stressed syllable is generally the first but not always. This will throw off the flow of the poem. There are very few problem areas in this villanelle, it could be excellent with just a little more work. I hope I didn't offend. |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
I stuck my foot in my mouth...I have to go back over this and look at the meter...will repost a reply when I have looked at it more thoroughly. |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
ok.....*shaking my head* It has been a long day and I am tired. I am not sure why I thought the way I did in my first reply but here goes..are you ready? In yout 1st Stanza. 1st line. Stress is on the second syllable 2nd line. Stress is on the first and second syllable 3rd line. Stress is on second. 2nd Stanza. 1st line. First. 2nd line. Second. 3rd line. Second. 3rd Stanza. 1st line. 2nd. 2nd line. 2nd. 3rd line. 2nd. 4th stanza 1st line. 2nd. 2nd line. 2nd. 3rd line. 2nd. 5th Stanza. 1st line. 2nd. 2nd line. 2nd. 3rd line. 2nd. Quatrain. 1st line. 1st. 2nd line. 1nd. 3rd line. 2nd. 4th line. 2nd. This needs to be smoothed out in order for the flow to be smooth. When a poem is choppy because of the meter it can loose the effect. It wouldn't take much to smooth out the problems in this piece. Please give it a try. |
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