»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #2
»
Remember
| Teen Poetry #2 |
|
Remember |
|
|
Sheila Ditto New Member
since 1999-10-01
Posts 1Frostburg Maryland Allegany |
I'll Remember My life is moving And so am I My goals are set And so am I, To leave the past For something new A better chance To be with you, Hold your head For there is no defeat I want to take you To someplace sweet, Extend out your hand For one more chance A new begining A second glance, So stay on the look For I'll be there To give you praise And lots of care. Andy L. ------------------ Andy L. |
||
| © Copyright 1999 Sheila Ditto - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Paul Hoekman Member
since 1999-12-28
Posts 382Harwinton Ct. U>S>A> |
Well done! Nice piece. |
||
|
Danny Holloway Member Elite
since 2000-01-15
Posts 2034Tulsa, OK |
ditto what Paul said. Nice rhyme and sturcture. |
||
|
poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
sheila: i think this is fairly good, but i dont like the repetition of the same line in the first stanza... when going for a true rhyme scheme, you never use the same word to rhyme with itself, and since no other lines in the poem are repeated, i think it takes away from the overall structure of the work... it says that this is your first post, yet doesn't say [first post], so in danger of making myself look like a fool: welcome to passions, and to the teen forum... i'll keep an eye out for your work in the future... sincerely, jerome the mysterious priest And their bleating was like a wet salmon slapped upon the land---slap! slap! slap! |
||
|
Alwye
Moderator
Member Elite
since 1999-06-16
Posts 3850In the space between moments |
Indeed welcome to Passions! Jerome is right, you do need a little work here, but over all, great job! It's great to have you here!  *Krista Knutson* "Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul...." ~*Sarah McLachlan- Do What You Have To Do*~ |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
