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Open Poetry #3
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One night stand"-- othe suggestions welcomed!
| Open Poetry #3 |
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One night stand"-- othe suggestions welcomed! |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA 
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The night walked straight into my house Took off her skin under the light Upon the chair, she placed her blouse Jumped into bed, right by my side And there in silence, sparks ignited We burned in passion’s warm embrace And in our bodies, cells collided And in our minds, thoughts were laced So sudden, almost on a whim We fell in love, so wild, peeling Fulfilled with pleasure to the brim We lied in bed, eyes on the ceiling And on the desk, the candle flickered In a seductive, tempting breeze It slowly melted and disfigured Upon the plate, its wax would freeze Its shadows danced, but light was fading Outside, through creaking of the frost I barely heard the winds debating I closed my eyes and all was lost Woke up alone, half in dismay I found a note, which read in grieving “I’m sorry Love, I couldn’t stay I’ll make it up to you this evening” |
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| © Copyright 1999 Andrey Kneller - All Rights Reserved | |||
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U K Hero Member
since 1999-08-08
Posts 266England |
I read all your poems and this has feeling so, TTTUG |
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Elizabeth
Moderator
Member Ascendant
since 1999-06-07
Posts 6871Minnesota |
What on Earth do you need suggestions for, Master? This poem certainly does not need any poetic improvement! The only thing I would suggest you change is is "lied" to "lay" in the 12th line. An unusual story to tell-I enjoyed it.  ------------------ *Elizabeth* "Dwelt a maid belov'd and cherish'd by high and low, But with autumn leaf she perish'd, long time ago..." "Something sweet, something sort of grandish, sweeps my soul when thou art near..." |
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Justina Junior Member
since 1999-10-31
Posts 24Kansas City. MO |
I got those exciting butterflies! If only they all happened that way! I loved it! |
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WhtDove Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-22
Posts 9245Illinois |
This was a wonderful poem, I wouldn't change a thing! |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Very well done Master...possibly clothes instead of skin in line two though. |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Thanks everyone, I meant suggestions for the title, but the ones you gave me were very useful. Thanks again. |
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Watcher666 Senior Member
since 1999-10-13
Posts 1606 |
Well done..liked this much! ------------------ Illusion...what we see and what we do...it's all up to you. |
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Kevin
since 1999-11-02
Posts 729Torrington, Ct, Usa |
admitedly, i rarely get into other peoples work, i dont know why, but this was excellent, simply awesome man! |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Thanks Watcher and Kevin. Glad you liked it. |
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Pepper Member Elite
since 1999-08-19
Posts 3079Southern Florida |
A unique piece with great imagery.... Liked this much Master! ------------------ A soul that writes from the heart and shares it, truly gives a gift extrordinaire! |
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redwriter1 Member
since 1999-07-22
Posts 480Franklin, TN |
Night Lover? (nicely done by the way, the first line really drew me in) |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
The first line...huh... I have never found anything special in it. |
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