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~sundance~
New Member

since 1999-10-29

Posts 8

0 posted 1999-10-29 09:50 PM

I realize that you are no longer here,
as you haven't whispered in my ear,
so long ago when times were great,
I stood there watching, staying the wait,
I still stand tall against the sky,
waiting for you to rise up high,
but until that does time arrives,
I will sing you my lullabye.

------------------
*I luv all your comments good or bad

*My favorite quote:"Making out is like a chinese dinner, it's not over till you both get your cookies!"

[This message has been edited by ~sundance~ (edited 11-02-1999).]

Marilyn
Member Elite

since 1999-09-26

Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada

1 posted 1999-10-29 10:41 PM

I like the theme of this poem but I have to say some of the choosen words confuse. I would suggest a second look and rewrite.

e.g.

I stood there watching, staying the wait.

I am unsure of what this means? You were there watching him/her while you were together but what were you waiting for? Why where you staying it?

until that does time arrives.

Was that supposed to be...until that time does arrive? I thought so at first but the arrives threw me.

I am sure that relize in the first verse was a typo. (realize).

If my comments offend I am very sorry.

Emmy
Member

since 1999-06-29

Posts 194
KY

2 posted 1999-10-30 02:50 PM

I think Marilyn's comments are worth heeding, although I like this one, Aly. With a few corrections, it could be even better.

~sundance~
New Member

since 1999-10-29

Posts 8

3 posted 1999-11-02 03:15 PM

thanks u guys and I'll consider the comments!

------------------
*I luv all your comments good or bad:)*My favorite quote:"Making out is like a chinese dinner, it's not over till you both get your cookies!"

~sundance~
New Member

since 1999-10-29

Posts 8

4 posted 1999-11-02 03:20 PM

ok, well your first stanza that confused you was suposed to mean this... that he was doing something to "rise up high" and so I had to wait until he did so we could be together. The second stanza of concern was suposed to mean this... that I had to wait until that time arrives for him to rise up high so we can be together.

~sundance~
New Member

since 1999-10-29

Posts 8

5 posted 1999-11-02 03:23 PM

I need a word that rhymes with wait, but means sad, the opposite of great!

in need of help

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