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Passions in Poetry

Lullabye

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~sundance~
New Member
since 10-29-1999
Posts 8


0 posted 10-29-1999 09:50 PM       View Profile for ~sundance~   Email ~sundance~   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit ~sundance~'s Home Page   View IP for ~sundance~

I realize that you are no longer here,
as you haven't whispered in my ear,
so long ago when times were great,
I stood there watching, staying the wait,
I still stand tall against the sky,
waiting for you to rise up high,
but until that does time arrives,
I will sing you my lullabye.

------------------
*I luv all your comments good or bad *My favorite quote:"Making out is like a chinese dinner, it's not over till you both get your cookies!"

[This message has been edited by ~sundance~ (edited 11-02-1999).]
© Copyright 1999 ~sundance~ - All Rights Reserved
Marilyn
Member Elite
since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada


1 posted 10-29-1999 10:41 PM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marilyn

I like the theme of this poem but I have to say some of the choosen words confuse. I would suggest a second look and rewrite.

e.g.

I stood there watching, staying the wait.

I am unsure of what this means? You were there watching him/her while you were together but what were you waiting for? Why where you staying it?

until that does time arrives.

Was that supposed to be...until that time does arrive? I thought so at first but the arrives threw me.

I am sure that relize in the first verse was a typo. (realize).

If my comments offend I am very sorry.
Emmy
Member
since 06-29-99
Posts 204
KY

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2 posted 10-30-1999 02:50 PM       View Profile for Emmy   Email Emmy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Emmy's Home Page   View IP for Emmy

I think Marilyn's comments are worth heeding, although I like this one, Aly. With a few corrections, it could be even better.
~sundance~
New Member
since 10-29-1999
Posts 8


3 posted 11-02-1999 03:15 PM       View Profile for ~sundance~   Email ~sundance~   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit ~sundance~'s Home Page   View IP for ~sundance~

thanks u guys and I'll consider the comments!



------------------
*I luv all your comments good or bad:)*My favorite quote:"Making out is like a chinese dinner, it's not over till you both get your cookies!"
~sundance~
New Member
since 10-29-1999
Posts 8


4 posted 11-02-1999 03:20 PM       View Profile for ~sundance~   Email ~sundance~   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit ~sundance~'s Home Page   View IP for ~sundance~

ok, well your first stanza that confused you was suposed to mean this... that he was doing something to "rise up high" and so I had to wait until he did so we could be together. The second stanza of concern was suposed to mean this... that I had to wait until that time arrives for him to rise up high so we can be together.

~sundance~
New Member
since 10-29-1999
Posts 8


5 posted 11-02-1999 03:23 PM       View Profile for ~sundance~   Email ~sundance~   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit ~sundance~'s Home Page   View IP for ~sundance~

I need a word that rhymes with wait, but means sad, the opposite of great!

in need of help
 
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