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Passions in Poetry

Moon's Woe (revised....have a look Balladeer please..*S*)

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Marilyn
Member Elite
since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada


0 posted 10-28-1999 08:55 PM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Marilyn

Once upon incandescent Moon,
Two fairies danced by lofty tune.
In fits of laughter they did swoon,
Alas all ended much too soon.

Soon, Moon had turned his weary head,
To cry his tears which were blood red.
Moon's sorrow cast an evil spell,
On Earthly bounds twas much like hell.

Lovers, yesterday stroll beneath,
Celestial glow, he did bequeath.
Hence, crimson cast such an evil tone,
Causing them to wretch, scream and moan.

Evil spirits used this sad hue,
To dance and sing, raise much adieu.
The fairies looked upon this scene,
Such vile frolic was obscene.

"Moon, why do you cry tears so red?"
One fairy asked from 'neath her bed.
Forlorn this Moon had but one wish,
As tears rolled down, he told of this.

"To dance and sing with utter grace,
I envy you, Tis my disgrace."
The fairies shocked at this display,
Chastised the Moon with much dismay.

"You are special, yes this is true!
There be no one as sweet as you.
Look upon these people beneath,
Such effect the glow you bequeath."

"The lovers once idyllicly strolled,
Your glorious, heavenly glow behold.
But now that the evil is let free,
People run and hide, scream and flee."

"You must be true unto yourself!
Put your talents not on a shelf.
We treasure you just as you are.
As lovers wishing on a star."

"Dry up your tears, lift up your head,
Tuck this evil back into bed.
Watch lovers stroll, your light give birth.
Then you'll understand your worth."

Moon took the fairy's words to heart,
Turned his head then to us depart.
Celestial glow, now all is well.
People stroll, romantic hearts swell.


[This message has been edited by Marilyn (edited 10-28-1999).]

[This message has been edited by Marilyn (edited 10-28-1999).]

[This message has been edited by Marilyn (edited 10-29-1999).]
© Copyright 1999 Marilyn - All Rights Reserved
Watcher666
Senior Member
since 10-13-1999
Posts 1630


1 posted 10-28-1999 09:06 PM       View Profile for Watcher666   Email Watcher666   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Watcher666's Home Page   View IP for Watcher666

Marilyn...like this one. But I'm not sure if it's me or not. I think some of your wording a bit strange. Did you mean incandescent instead of condescent, the other line Moon's sorrow cast an evil spell??

------------------
Illusion...what we see and what we do...it's all up to you.
hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 07-05-99
Posts 11105
Glen Hope, PA USA


2 posted 10-28-1999 09:10 PM       View Profile for hoot_owl_rn   Email hoot_owl_rn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit hoot_owl_rn's Home Page   View IP for hoot_owl_rn

Marilyn, I like the revision
Marilyn
Member Elite
since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada


3 posted 10-28-1999 09:17 PM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marilyn

Watcher.....ahhhh..I worked very hard on this piece yesterday and today..hours spent trying to make it work and I miised condescent!!..*shaking head*.

As for Moon's sorrow cast and evil spell....because the Moon was sad and weeping it turned red....the red hue created cast an evil spell upon the earth.
Watcher666
Senior Member
since 10-13-1999
Posts 1630


4 posted 10-28-1999 09:27 PM       View Profile for Watcher666   Email Watcher666   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Watcher666's Home Page   View IP for Watcher666

Thanks Marilyn.....now I got it!!

------------------
Illusion...what we see and what we do...it's all up to you.
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 06-05-99
Posts 26302
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA


5 posted 10-28-1999 09:30 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Now we're cooking, Marilyn! You made excellent changes....got rid of the "dish" and the new ending is much stronger. The flow of the poem is much, much smoother. Watcher was correct in his statements but I'm sure "and" instead of "an" is just a typo. "adue" is "adieu".

I congratulate you. You have worked very hard on this and stuck with it in your attempt to improve yourself and you deserve to be applauded for it. Well done!
Richard 33
Member
since 09-09-99
Posts 197
glen easton, wv usa


6 posted 10-28-1999 09:35 PM       View Profile for Richard 33   Email Richard 33   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Richard 33

Very good, evolution of poetry reveals,
layers of beautiful thought.....LOL
Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 08-22-99
Posts 23002


7 posted 10-28-1999 09:42 PM       View Profile for Denise   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Denise

You did great on this one Marilyn! Very well done!

------------------
Denise

WhtDove
Member Rara Avis
since 07-22-99
Posts 9561
Illinois


8 posted 10-29-1999 12:16 AM       View Profile for WhtDove   Email WhtDove   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit WhtDove's Home Page   View IP for WhtDove

Most excellent!
Michael
Moderator
Member Ascendant
since 08-13-99
Posts 6333
California


9 posted 10-29-1999 03:16 AM       View Profile for Michael   Email Michael   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Michael

Excellent flow to this magical poem, Marilyn.
Huge strides...the effort is paying off well.

------------------
Michael Anderson

Is all that we see or seem
but a dream within a dream?


Sunshine
Administrator
Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart


10 posted 10-29-1999 09:21 AM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

Ah, you've taken your talents off the shelf...well done!
Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean
since 07-07-99
Posts 32119
Tamarac Fla


11 posted 10-29-1999 10:25 AM       View Profile for Seymour Tabin   Email Seymour Tabin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Seymour Tabin

Marilyn,
You are doing well Keep up the good work, enjoyed the read.
 
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