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Open Poetry #3
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Systematic Decay
Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301
That place with padded walls and funny people in white.........

0 posted 1999-10-28 02:47 PM


~I know this isn't very good, but bear with me, I'm suffering from writer's block.~

Life is so ordinary
Ordinary life has me vexed
Vexed at the world, this planet Earth
Earth is but a solitary island
Island amongst the stars
Stars that icily sparkle
Sparkle in the black umbrella
Umbrella of skies infinite
Infinite possibilities of creation
Created by something irresponsible
Irresponsible, godlike, doglike
Doglike, we piss on everything
Everything that is part of ordinary life

------------------
"Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage."
-Billy Corgan-

© Copyright 1999 Systematic Decay - All Rights Reserved
Julie
Senior Member
since 1999-08-20
Posts 739
Houston, TX
1 posted 1999-10-28 08:10 PM


SD,
Don't give up on this piece. No maybe not yet perfect...but come back to it when your writers block has subsided...I think it will make a very good poem. I see some messages in there that can speak volumes.

Watcher666
Senior Member
since 1999-10-13
Posts 1606

2 posted 1999-10-28 08:12 PM


Great imagery! Just needs to be explored a bit more.

------------------
Illusion...what we see and what we do...it's all up to you.

Marilyn
Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada
3 posted 1999-10-28 08:13 PM


Amy...this is a great start my friend. Don't give up on this piece...it has potential.
Star Fairy 2
Member
since 1999-09-06
Posts 260
cerritos, california, usa
4 posted 1999-10-28 08:24 PM


wow
i like the beginin very much...
i like how the words repeat themselves at every line...
its quite wonderful actually
keep up the good work


------------------
Don't Fall.. Rise in Love
-------823-------

hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA
5 posted 1999-10-28 08:45 PM


Hey, I love the format you used on this one
Systematic Decay
Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301
That place with padded walls and funny people in white.........
6 posted 1999-10-28 10:14 PM


Thanks everyone, there is one main reason I don't like this: It has an acrostic in it that ended up having nothing to do with the actual poem! I started the acrostic with an idea, that just didn't work out.

------------------
"Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage."
-Billy Corgan-

Michael
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-13
Posts 7666
California
7 posted 1999-10-29 03:27 AM


"Don't try sucicide, no body's worth it"...hehe, now I got an old song rattling in around in my head.

Sys, I love complexity in poetry, the way one words ends a line...then begins the next was unique, all that, and the acrostic too.

Very cool.

------------------
Michael Anderson

Is all that we see or seem
but a dream within a dream?



Lee Benthin
Junior Member
since 1999-10-28
Posts 19
Marysville, WA USA
8 posted 1999-10-29 03:30 AM


Writer's block or not, I thought it was very inventive. I too like the way you used the last word of one sentence to begin the next.
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