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Passions in Poetry

Ordinary

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Systematic Decay
Senior Member
since 09-15-99
Posts 1312
That place with padded walls a


0 posted 10-28-1999 02:47 PM       View Profile for Systematic Decay   Email Systematic Decay   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Systematic Decay

~I know this isn't very good, but bear with me, I'm suffering from writer's block.~

Life is so ordinary
Ordinary life has me vexed
Vexed at the world, this planet Earth
Earth is but a solitary island
Island amongst the stars
Stars that icily sparkle
Sparkle in the black umbrella
Umbrella of skies infinite
Infinite possibilities of creation
Created by something irresponsible
Irresponsible, godlike, doglike
Doglike, we piss on everything
Everything that is part of ordinary life

------------------
"Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage."
-Billy Corgan-
© Copyright 1999 Systematic Decay - All Rights Reserved
Julie
Senior Member
since 08-20-99
Posts 742
Houston, TX


1 posted 10-28-1999 08:10 PM       View Profile for Julie   Email Julie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Julie

SD,
Don't give up on this piece. No maybe not yet perfect...but come back to it when your writers block has subsided...I think it will make a very good poem. I see some messages in there that can speak volumes.
Watcher666
Senior Member
since 10-13-1999
Posts 1630


2 posted 10-28-1999 08:12 PM       View Profile for Watcher666   Email Watcher666   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Watcher666's Home Page   View IP for Watcher666

Great imagery! Just needs to be explored a bit more.

------------------
Illusion...what we see and what we do...it's all up to you.
Marilyn
Member Elite
since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada


3 posted 10-28-1999 08:13 PM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marilyn

Amy...this is a great start my friend. Don't give up on this piece...it has potential.
Star Fairy 2
Member
since 09-06-99
Posts 260
cerritos, california, usa


4 posted 10-28-1999 08:24 PM       View Profile for Star Fairy 2   Email Star Fairy 2   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Star Fairy 2

wow
i like the beginin very much...
i like how the words repeat themselves at every line...
its quite wonderful actually
keep up the good work


------------------
Don't Fall.. Rise in Love
-------823-------
hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 07-05-99
Posts 11105
Glen Hope, PA USA


5 posted 10-28-1999 08:45 PM       View Profile for hoot_owl_rn   Email hoot_owl_rn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit hoot_owl_rn's Home Page   View IP for hoot_owl_rn

Hey, I love the format you used on this one
Systematic Decay
Senior Member
since 09-15-99
Posts 1312
That place with padded walls a


6 posted 10-28-1999 10:14 PM       View Profile for Systematic Decay   Email Systematic Decay   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Systematic Decay

Thanks everyone, there is one main reason I don't like this: It has an acrostic in it that ended up having nothing to do with the actual poem! I started the acrostic with an idea, that just didn't work out.

------------------
"Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage."
-Billy Corgan-
Michael
Moderator
Member Ascendant
since 08-13-99
Posts 6333
California


7 posted 10-29-1999 03:27 AM       View Profile for Michael   Email Michael   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Michael

"Don't try sucicide, no body's worth it"...hehe, now I got an old song rattling in around in my head.

Sys, I love complexity in poetry, the way one words ends a line...then begins the next was unique, all that, and the acrostic too.

Very cool.

------------------
Michael Anderson

Is all that we see or seem
but a dream within a dream?


Lee Benthin
Junior Member
since 10-28-1999
Posts 19
Marysville, WA USA


8 posted 10-29-1999 03:30 AM       View Profile for Lee Benthin   Email Lee Benthin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Lee Benthin

Writer's block or not, I thought it was very inventive. I too like the way you used the last word of one sentence to begin the next.
 
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