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Passions in Poetry

Moon's Woe

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Marilyn
Member Elite
since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada


0 posted 10-27-1999 10:45 AM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Marilyn

I am not happy with this one. Any suggestions on how to smooth it out would be appreciated.


Once upon a crescent Moon,
Two fairies danced by lofty tune.
In fits of laughter they did swoon,
Alas all ended much too soon.

Soon, Moon had turned his weary head,
To cry his tears which were blood red.
Moon's sorrow cast and evil spell,
Upon the ones on Earth did dwell.

Lover's used to stroll beneath,
Celestial glow, he did bequeath.
Hence, red cast such an evil tone,
People began to wretch and moan.

Evil spirits used this red,
To dance and sing, to spread such dread.
The fairies looked upon this scene,
Such evil frolic was so obscene.

"Moon, why do you cry so red?"
One fairy asked from 'neath her bed.
Forlorn, this Moon had but one wish,
As tears rolled down he began to dish.

To dance and sing with such utter grace,
I envy you two, Tis my disgrace.
The fairies shocked at this display,
Chastised the Moon with much dismay.

You are special, yes, this is true!
There be no one as sweet as you.
Look upon these people beneath,
Such effect the glow that you bequeath.

The lovers used to idyllicly stroll,
Beneath your glorious, heavenly glow.
But now that the evil is let free,
People run and hide, scream and flee.

You must be true unto yourself!
Put your talents not on a shelf.
We treasure you just as you are.
As lovers wishing on a star.

Dry up your tears, remove this red.
Put this evil back to bed.
Watch lovers stroll, your light give birth.
Then you'll understand your worth.

Moon took the fairy's words to heart,
Turned his head, to us depart.
Celestial glow, now all is well.
That is all this tale does to tell.
© Copyright 1999 Marilyn - All Rights Reserved
Toerag
Member Ascendant
since 07-29-99
Posts 5839
Ala bam a


1 posted 10-27-1999 10:48 AM       View Profile for Toerag   Email Toerag   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Toerag

Marilyn....I don't think I'd change a thing...this was superbly written and thought out! Great job sweets!
suthern
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Seraphic
since 07-29-99
Posts 20770
on the threshold of a dream


2 posted 10-27-1999 11:12 AM       View Profile for suthern   Email suthern   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for suthern

Marilyn: I must echo Toerag (hey, following him is not exactly a chore *G*)... I think it's great!! Well done!
Marilyn
Member Elite
since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada


3 posted 10-27-1999 11:23 AM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marilyn

Toerag....Thanks my friend. I find the flow is choppy in places and one rhyme just isn't there. I do aprreciate your kudo's though...*S*


suthern....I always thought following Toe would be difficult. He does all of this ducking and weaving...lol.
Systematic Decay
Senior Member
since 09-15-99
Posts 1312
That place with padded walls a


4 posted 10-27-1999 11:46 AM       View Profile for Systematic Decay   Email Systematic Decay   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Systematic Decay

Marilyn, I have just a fwe suggestions. First, I found the ppoem easy to follow nearly all the way through. But when I read the first stanza, while very good, I thought the rhyme scheme was going to be AAAA BBBB, but you switched on us! Perhaps if thatw ere fixed...

Also, I think the word red was overused....perhaps you could exchange it with things like: ruby, crimson, garnet, etc.

Also, I couldn't tell when people were and were not talking without quotation amrks: That is my biggest gripe.

All in all, the poem worked for me, just those few things caught my attention.

------------------
"Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage."
-Billy Corgan-
Marilyn
Member Elite
since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada


5 posted 10-27-1999 12:03 PM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marilyn

Once upon a crescent Moon,
Two fairies danced by lofty tune.
In fits of laughter they did swoon,
Alas all ended much too soon.

Soon, Moon had turned his weary head,
To cry his tears which were blood red.
Moon's sorrow cast and evil spell,
Upon the ones on Earth did dwell.

Lover's used to stroll beneath,
Celestial glow, he did bequeath.
Hence, crimson cast an evil tone,
People began to wretch and moan.

Evil spirits used this ruby hue
To dance and sing, raise much adue
The fairies looked upon this scene,
Such evil frolic was too obscene.

"Moon, why do you cry so red?"
One fairies asked from 'neath her bed.
Forlorn this Moon had but one wish,
As tears rolled down he began to dish.

"To dance and sing with such utter grace,
I envy you two, Tis my disgrace."
The fairies shocked at this display,
Chastised the Moon with much dismay.

"You are special, yes this is true!
There be no one as sweet as you.
Look upon these people beneath,
Such effect the glow you bequeath."

"The lovers used to idyllicly stroll,
Beneath your glorious, heavenly glow.
But now that the evil is let free,
People run and hide, scream and flee."

"You must be true unto yourself!
Put your talents not on a shelf.
We treasure you just as you are.
As lovers wishing on a star."

"Dry up your tears, lift up your head.
Put this evil back to bed.
Watch lovers stroll, your light give birth.
Then you'll understand your worth."

Moon took fairies words to heart,
Turned his head, to us depart.
Celestial glow, now all is well.
That is all this tale has to tell.


Amy...I tried some of your suggestions. What do you think of this one? I didn't change the first stanza. I kinda like it...lol.
Sally S.
Senior Member
since 06-07-99
Posts 887
Ohio


6 posted 10-27-1999 12:21 PM       View Profile for Sally S.   Email Sally S.   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sally S.

I liked the first and second as well....The changes were subtle but, good. I'd add one more perhaps....

"Moon, why do you crytears so red?"

Just a suggestion....The meter is almost there. All in all, I think it's a lovely poem. Nice work!
brandondinsmore
Member
since 10-27-1999
Posts 140
OKC, OK


7 posted 10-27-1999 12:34 PM       View Profile for brandondinsmore   Email brandondinsmore   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for brandondinsmore

I loved the poem.
Maybe, though, you should exagerrate the subject in each line, or maybe just the verse more.

i.e. The moon...(something descriptive)
fjdklfjsdl;jfsjfl;s
The fairies...
fjlaksjfl;ksadjflksd

You know what I'm saying?
Anyway, Great job!
Keep going.
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 06-05-99
Posts 26302
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA


8 posted 10-27-1999 12:36 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Well, Marilyn, you asked so I'll give you my honest comments. I know that you know me well enough that I only want the criticism to be constructive, to help you.

Upon the ones one Earth did dwell..not only is grammatically incorrect, it is very choppy with no fluidity.

Such evil frolic was so obscene...eliminate the "so". It throws off the count.

As tears rolled down he began to dish...This sentence has no redeeming quality whatsoever.

To dance and sing with such utter grace....eliminate the "such"

Such effect to glow that you bequeath...very choppy

That is all this tale does to tell...the last line of a poem is important. It's what lingers on the reader's tongue. This one doesn't carry its weight.

The syllable counts are as follows:

7-8-8-8
9-8-8-8
7-8-8-8
7-8-8-9
7-8-8-9
9-9-8-8
8-8-8-9
10-9-9-8
8-8-8-8
8-7-8-7
8-7-8-8

You're close, but everywhere you see a difference there, choppiness is being created.
One you have the syllable count corrected, then meter is next. Even if the syllable count is exact, if the accents fall in different places, fluidity is lost. Ex:

Hence, red cast such an evil tone
People began to wretch and moan.

Both lines have eight syllables but the accents are:
-/-/-/-/
/--/-/-/ (where "/" is the accented syllable)
The last half of the two lines flow smoothly but the the first halves are choppy, due to the accents being in the wrong place.

The idea behind the poem and much of what you have written is excellent. Smoothness and fluidity comes from mastering the mechanics. Writing rhymed poetry is easy. Writing good rhymed poetry takes work. So how good do ya wanna be?

Take care, Marilyn. Hope I helped you a little.

Richard 33
Member
since 09-09-99
Posts 197
glen easton, wv usa


9 posted 10-27-1999 01:20 PM       View Profile for Richard 33   Email Richard 33   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Richard 33

Marilyn, personally I liked them boath, I am
sure with your talent, you will get it made to your liking!!

BEAUTY IS IN THE EYES OF THE BEHOLDER *S*!!!!

[This message has been edited by Richard 33 (edited 10-27-1999).]
Marilyn
Member Elite
since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada


10 posted 10-27-1999 01:52 PM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marilyn

Thakyou all for the comments.

Balladeer..... I knew I could count on you to help me. I knew when posting this it was so incomplete but I couldn't fingure it all out. I am just learning the machanics and was hopping you would look at it and give me advice.(I should have posted that..*blushing*). This is still a work in progress. To answer your question I would like to be great. This is the reason I am taking Nan's classes. I definately will put more work into this and see if it works. I hope I can count on you to comment on my revisions.

Sally..thanks for the suggestion. I will take it into concideration.


Richard.....You words ring true but I am not happy with this piece and really want to work it out. You are so sweet to me..*S*.

Watcher666
Senior Member
since 10-13-1999
Posts 1630


11 posted 10-27-1999 02:22 PM       View Profile for Watcher666   Email Watcher666   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Watcher666's Home Page   View IP for Watcher666

Marilyn....I enjoyed both versions of this,but the first is a bit choppy to read.Wish I could help,but I'm the last person to give advice on meter and rhyme!Good Luck.

------------------
Illusion...what we see and what we do...it's all up to you.
Isis
Member Ascendant
since 09-06-99
Posts 6390
Sunny Queensland


12 posted 10-27-1999 08:16 PM       View Profile for Isis   Email Isis   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Isis's Home Page   View IP for Isis

Great job Marilyn both times! You have such a good imagination, whereas I only write what I feel strongly. Except for those the Knight and His Maiden Fair poems I did a while ago. I envy your talent my friend

------------------
How long after you are gone will ripples remain as evidence that you were cast into the pool?
~Isis~
(Daughter of Mystery)


Isis
Member Ascendant
since 09-06-99
Posts 6390
Sunny Queensland


13 posted 10-27-1999 08:48 PM       View Profile for Isis   Email Isis   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Isis's Home Page   View IP for Isis

Marilyn, Hope you don't mind my posting a moon poem in the same session as yours. I'd been throwing stuff round in my head on my holiday, as it was full moon there on the sea, very inspiring. Hope you understand!?

------------------
How long after you are gone will ripples remain as evidence that you were cast into the pool?
~Isis~
(Daughter of Mystery)


Marilyn
Member Elite
since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada


14 posted 10-27-1999 11:02 PM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marilyn

Watcher..thankyou for your comment and your honesty. I have high hopes for this piece but an struggling with it. Many hours spend trying to figure it out. Here's hoping!..*lol*

Isis my poetry sister...You may post anything you like at the same time as I do. I am sure your Moon poem is much better then mine. It is just GREAT to have you back!
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 06-05-99
Posts 26302
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA


15 posted 10-27-1999 11:38 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Hi, Marilyn. Sorry it took so long to get back. Long work day. Your revision is excellent. You made several great changes that make a good difference. Now, let me just hit you with these couple of thoughts, try them on for size, and go the way you think best.

Line 12.."People began" begins the sentence with the wrong accent. I suggest "Causing them..." or something similar.

4th stanza is still 9-8-8-9. Changing evil to vile and 'was too' to 'so' would correct that.

Sally S's suggestion of tears so red is right on. You need another syllable and that would do nicely.

"with such utter grace"...erase 'such'
"the evil is let free"....erase 'let'
Both of these prases are too long and those words can be done without.

"he began to dish" still is too weak to use. You can do better.

Well, like I said, the changes you have made already made a huge difference to the smoothness of the poem. If you want to use any of my thoughts, ok, and if not, it is still an excellent poem. Taking Nan's class is good, too. There's no one better. Good luck, Marilyn!

passing shadows
Member Empyrean
since 08-26-99
Posts 46297
displaced


16 posted 05-16-2004 07:49 PM       View Profile for passing shadows   Email passing shadows   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for passing shadows

I like it
 
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