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Passions in Poetry

Autumn Passions

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Systematic Decay
Senior Member
since 09-15-99
Posts 1312
That place with padded walls a


0 posted 10-22-1999 02:01 PM       View Profile for Systematic Decay   Email Systematic Decay   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Systematic Decay

-this is one that didn't do too well in Teen2 (suprise suprise) I renamed it and posted it here.-

While greenery becomes a spreading fire
Crisp leaves cover the forest floor
The brisk winds invariably fuel my desire
To have the freedom I did before

Crisp leaves cover the forest floor
The days flow quickly, I feel I must run
To have the freedom I had before
To enjoy this season for laughing and fun

The days flow quickly, I feel I must run
Instead of vanishing with not a trace
To enjoy this season of laughing and fun
I have to stop running from fears I must face

Instead of vanishing with not a trace
Losing my youth to infinite lies
I have to stop running from fears I must face
Quit being this coward, a me I despise

Losing my youth to infinite lies
My pride had fallen like blazing leaves from the trees
Quit being this coward, a me I despise
I'll come back not caged, but a bird in the cool breeze

My pride had fallen like blazing leaves from the trees
The brisk winds invariably fuel my desire
To come back not caged, but joyous and free in the breeze
While greenery becomes a spreading fire


------------------
"Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage."
-Billy Corgan-


[This message has been edited by Systematic Decay (edited 10-22-1999).]
© Copyright 1999 Systematic Decay - All Rights Reserved
Watcher666
Senior Member
since 10-13-1999
Posts 1630


1 posted 10-22-1999 03:25 PM       View Profile for Watcher666   Email Watcher666   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Watcher666's Home Page   View IP for Watcher666

Liked this much.But I think you missed a line break in the begining.

------------------
Illusion...what we see and what we do...it's all up to you.
Marilyn
Member Elite
since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada


2 posted 10-22-1999 04:00 PM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marilyn

I enjoyed the theme of this poem very much. You did miss a break in the beginning. Your meter is inconsistant as well. I think you have a good poem here but it could be great with a little more work. I am not an expert on meter by any means but I am learning.
Systematic Decay
Senior Member
since 09-15-99
Posts 1312
That place with padded walls a


3 posted 10-22-1999 04:54 PM       View Profile for Systematic Decay   Email Systematic Decay   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Systematic Decay

Yeah, I know the meters a little off, especially in the last 2 stanzas. I fixed the missing line break though.

------------------
"Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage."
-Billy Corgan-
JennyLee
Senior Member
since 09-01-99
Posts 1478
Northwestern, NJ.


4 posted 10-22-1999 06:03 PM       View Profile for JennyLee   Email JennyLee   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for JennyLee

Don't care if the meter is off a little!
I like it much.


Jennifer
Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 05-20-99
Posts 24426
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA


5 posted 10-23-1999 08:44 AM       View Profile for Nan   Email Nan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Nan's Home Page   View IP for Nan

SD - It's wonderful to see you writing like this - and you're right - It's not surprising that this would not be appreciated in a teen forum. As a rule, teenagers don't know what a pantoum is - never mind comment on one..
Very nice work.... Keep 'em coming...

[This message has been edited by Nan (edited 10-23-1999).]
Systematic Decay
Senior Member
since 09-15-99
Posts 1312
That place with padded walls a


6 posted 10-23-1999 05:55 PM       View Profile for Systematic Decay   Email Systematic Decay   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Systematic Decay

Nan- my problem with the teen forum is not the lack of knowledge of form...but the lack of all replies in general!!! I'm trying to get people to reply more in there...to no avail.

------------------
"Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage."
-Billy Corgan-
 
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