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Passions in Poetry

Sleep-speech

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Serraley
Junior Member
since 10-09-1999
Posts 11
New Zealand


0 posted 10-21-1999 07:30 AM       View Profile for Serraley   Email Serraley   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Serraley

A breath that
is the softness of a
flutter
of heart-wings
wakes me
and stirs the eyelashes that tint
his cheek.

Curls rest more deeply
than his body over
shave-roughened skin.
Huddles between shoulders
curled around to protect
a soul
and yet me too.

Solidity and fragility and
sweet fragrant self
A heart open and closed.
Question and answer one.

A breath stirs his lashes open
and morning shadows lighten the room.


------------------
As kingfishers catch fire, dragonflies draw flame;
~Gerard Manley Hopkins

© Copyright 1999 Serraley - All Rights Reserved
desperado
Member
since 05-24-99
Posts 361
FT Hood,Tx


1 posted 10-22-1999 02:32 PM       View Profile for desperado   Email desperado   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for desperado

this was a nice piece, though it never really gained my attention till the last line. the rest of the poem was too disjunctured to keep me speel bound to some of it's words. here are a few I liked, yet couldn't pay much attention to due to the poems nature.

...stirs the eyelashes that tint
his cheek.

I'd recommend putting that in one line if possible.

shave-roughened...

this is great, it reminds me of my grandfathers face, or that of a man who has done manual labor most of his life (though my grandfather had a desk job.). the rest of that stanza was really too disjunctured to feel rhythmical at all.

...morning shadows lighten...

this is a great bit right here at the end. not the best in the world mind you (lets face it, the best is only an opinion.), but great enough to accomplish it's task.

you have some good concepts and phrases, but the rhythm and rhyme (if any) are too weak to support any of it. work on it and it will get better.

good luck.

Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 07-17-99
Posts 8273


2 posted 10-23-1999 12:49 AM       View Profile for Severn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Severn

My Heartsister - this is superb.
And knowing you like I do I know that it was never your intent to make a rhythmical, structured piece. (Desperado, you were too harsh!)
This flows beautifully, I think - capturing those waking moments.
HUGS!!!!
Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 08-02-99
Posts 9130
Purgatorial Incarceration


3 posted 10-23-1999 02:41 AM       View Profile for Christopher   Email Christopher   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Christopher

I have to agree with it beign superb!
I felt like I was looking at a silent motion picture, angled to cath the glow of life, rather than reveal the harshness of reality...well done! Bravo!
Serraley
Junior Member
since 10-09-1999
Posts 11
New Zealand


4 posted 10-23-1999 04:07 AM       View Profile for Serraley   Email Serraley   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Serraley

Chris - Thankyou! You reaffirm my faith in any of my own work (and your comments were like a poem in themselves!)

Desperado - Thanks for your honest opinion. I would point out that this was meant to be free verse hence the lack of 'rhyme' and the disjointed style was deliberate. I look forward to reading some of your own work.

Severn - wow! My first poem on here, and it was wonderful to read your reply!
Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 07-17-99
Posts 8273


5 posted 10-28-1999 12:39 AM       View Profile for Severn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Severn

This deserves to go right back up!
Nara
Junior Member
since 10-31-1999
Posts 11


6 posted 10-31-1999 01:55 AM       View Profile for Nara   Email Nara   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Nara

Serraley, congrats on your first poem here. I've yet to post and know what a step it can be.
I like the way you capture such opposites in your subject. The duality that is all of us on some level or another: "Solidity and fragility" "a heart open and closed. Question and answer in one". Such opposites combined in one being deserve to be reflected in a poem's slightly "disjunctured" format. Innocence and experience were ever uneasy bedfellows - why should they rest more smoothly in a poem than the reality you depict?
Well done!
 
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