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Passions in Poetry

Ode To Shakespeare

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JOY 14
Senior Member
since 09-22-1999
Posts 1447
Wisconsin USA


0 posted 10-16-1999 06:45 PM       View Profile for JOY 14   Email JOY 14   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit JOY 14's Home Page   View IP for JOY 14

There was a man lived long ago
Who wrote in lyrics long
And dipped the tip so carefuly
Until the ink was gone.

"All the world's a stage," he said.
"And men and women but players."
There was a man
Wrote many a play
That graced the royal stage upon...

Where character, young Juliet
Lay in sleep past dawn
And Romeo had not his sweet
Love had passed away?
So poision to his lips
Was drawn.

There was a writer
Of the theater
Famous for his verse
And when all dramticies are gone away
William Shakespeare's words become emersed.
© Copyright 1999 Kristen Joy Jacobus - All Rights Reserved
Systematic Decay
Senior Member
since 09-15-99
Posts 1312
That place with padded walls a


1 posted 10-17-1999 02:40 AM       View Profile for Systematic Decay   Email Systematic Decay   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Systematic Decay

JOY, I hate to be the bearer of bad news...BUT,

I don't understand the rhyme scheme....

First stanza, ABCB..ok. But "long" was used twice in this stanza...kinda repetitive

Second stanza, No apparent rhyme, except that the last words of both stanzas rhyme

Third Stanza, dawn and drawn rhyme, was that meant? If so...the meter is completely off.

Fourth Stanza...seems it was meant to be ABCB again, but what would be the first line is broken into two.

It just seemed like it was thrown together without regard for rhyme and meter. If you want to write a pome like that, fine, but do it ALL in free verse.

Sorry if I sound rude....just my point of view.

------------------
"Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage."
-Billy Corgan-
JOY 14
Senior Member
since 09-22-1999
Posts 1447
Wisconsin USA


2 posted 10-17-1999 01:31 PM       View Profile for JOY 14   Email JOY 14   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit JOY 14's Home Page   View IP for JOY 14

I appreciate your comment, Systematic Decay, and I do take into consideration what you are saying. But, this poem wasn't meant for ryhm and meter. It was just meant for expressing feelings without the worry of perfection. Thanks.
Brad
Member Ascendant
since 08-20-99
Posts 5896
Jejudo, South Korea


3 posted 10-17-1999 07:31 PM       View Profile for Brad   Email Brad   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Brad

Well then are you sure you should have posted this poem here? This forum is for criticism, interaction, and improvement -- here, just a feeling is the beginning of a poem, not the end.

Perhaps you or I should move it to the OP forum?
Brad
JOY 14
Senior Member
since 09-22-1999
Posts 1447
Wisconsin USA


4 posted 10-18-1999 03:05 PM       View Profile for JOY 14   Email JOY 14   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit JOY 14's Home Page   View IP for JOY 14

Yes, I do realize now that maybe it wasn't the best choice to put this poem in Critical Analysis. It is fine if it is switched to Open Poetry.

Next time I submit a poem to CA, I will make sure the format is better so the critisism it gets will be used to its advantage. My apologies.
I have another poem in CA, One Final Prayer, that I would like advice or comments on. Thanks.
Brad
Member Ascendant
since 08-20-99
Posts 5896
Jejudo, South Korea


5 posted 10-21-1999 07:02 AM       View Profile for Brad   Email Brad   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Brad

Just thought Joy14 might find the comments more interesting if it were posted here.
Thanks
JOY 14 will be notified of replies
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