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Passions in Poetry

Such is The Way Of A Mistress

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PoeticPreacher
Junior Member
since 10-20-1999
Posts 28
jkljkj


0 posted 10-20-1999 08:20 PM       View Profile for PoeticPreacher   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit PoeticPreacher's Home Page   View IP for PoeticPreacher

Hello...I am a newbie. I heard that poetry can be honestly critiqued here. I welcome comments on this poem...

I Welcome criticisms on this poem...please
Title:The Way Of A Mistress

An understanding ear and
And a flash of lustful eyes,
Was all she needed
For her deceptive disguise.

He looked too long
And then he went wrong.
He lead by the wrong head
As he felled into her bed.

Such is the way of a mistress.

She caused a good daddy
To go astray.
Misled a good husband
Into an evil way.

His money was improperly spent
When there were places
It could have went.
His wife is trampled upon
Like dirt,
As he continues to
Administer hurt.

The memory of his family
Fades away,
As his lust for his mistress increases
Each day.
Her ointments and perfume
Delights his heart,
While her deceitful ways are
Tearing his family apart

Such is the way of a mistress.

copyright 1999 all rights reserved
Poet...me

© Copyright 1999 PoeticPreacher - All Rights Reserved
PhaerieChild
Senior Member
since 08-30-99
Posts 1829
Aloha, Oregon


1 posted 10-20-1999 08:39 PM       View Profile for PhaerieChild   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for PhaerieChild

Wow! I must say it wasn't exactly as I thought it would be. I expected it to end as a sailing into the sunset type thing and the wife be damned, but you put the feelings of family there also and seem to feel guilty about it. Very good poem and heartfelt. Of course the ending is somewhat sad in the fact that it is "she" tearing apart the family rather than both of the parties involved.

------------------
If you love me like music, I'll be your song.
~Heart~ Dreamboat Annie

hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 07-05-99
Posts 11105
Glen Hope, PA USA


2 posted 10-20-1999 09:21 PM       View Profile for hoot_owl_rn   Email hoot_owl_rn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit hoot_owl_rn's Home Page   View IP for hoot_owl_rn

I wonder why all the blame in this poem is placed on the mistress. Does he not have any control over his own life?
PoeticPreacher
Junior Member
since 10-20-1999
Posts 28
jkljkj


3 posted 10-20-1999 10:04 PM       View Profile for PoeticPreacher   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit PoeticPreacher's Home Page   View IP for PoeticPreacher

The jest of the poem is to reveal the subtleness of something seemingly innocent. This poem is about an unseen temptation that a good daddy and husband was caught in. In this poem we learn that good husbands can make costly mistakes if he is not careful to continue to work at his marriage. I wrote this poem after seeing this happen with a great guy and a good family. Because he did not guard his heart against a temptation, his family was completely destroyed.

All the blame is not placed on the mistress in the poem. It started with an attraction...

"He looked too long
And then he went wrong.
He lead by the wrong head
As he felled into her bed."
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 06-05-99
Posts 26302
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA


4 posted 10-20-1999 10:54 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Preacher, only because you sincerely asked for criticism will I make these comments. The thought behind the poem and the message expressed by it are very good. The grammatical mistakes, however, damage it.
"he felled into her bed"..."it could have went" sound bad through their incorrectness. Since you have chosen to write in rhyme, you need a proper meter, or rhythym, to the poem. That is also lacking. If the poem were not as good as it is, these things might not stand out so obviously, but, since it is a very good poem, it deserves to be treated well. Keep it up. You've got good ideas.
Marilyn
Member Elite
since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada


5 posted 10-20-1999 11:44 PM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marilyn

I am just learning all about poetic structure myself, therefore cannot fairly talk about the structure. The flow is uneven in my reading though.

I must disagree with your words though. Tempations in our society are everywhere. I do NOT believe that a man or woman's head can be turned unless they want it to be. Yes their are people wanting to seduce but one can't be seduced unless they let it happen.

Okay...that was more then my two cents worth.
PoeticPreacher
Junior Member
since 10-20-1999
Posts 28
jkljkj


6 posted 10-21-1999 12:04 AM       View Profile for PoeticPreacher   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit PoeticPreacher's Home Page   View IP for PoeticPreacher

Thanks for the critique Balladeer. That is one of the hurdles that I must overcome. When one has a dialect that is used only among one's peers, poetry's communique is limited. In my neighbor one might say...Child, that money could've went somewhere else. Thanks for bring that to my attention. If you see anything else, please let me know.

Marilyn,

I agree that temptation is only effective if we give into it. That's why one should always recognize it for what it is...ahead of time.
passing shadows
Member Empyrean
since 08-26-99
Posts 46297
displaced


7 posted 05-04-2004 04:22 AM       View Profile for passing shadows   Email passing shadows   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for passing shadows

not always her fault
 
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