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Passions in Poetry

Memory Remains

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Rhiannon
Member
since 07-28-99
Posts 95
Fayetteville, TN USA


0 posted 10-20-1999 05:40 PM       View Profile for Rhiannon   Email Rhiannon   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Rhiannon's Home Page   View IP for Rhiannon

Away from your treachery

Away from the pain you've caused me

I am a child, terrified

Anger, bona fide

And detached from sensuality

Who will be the one to love me

Who will be the one to free me

I'm standing at a crossroad

So many emotions to load

Worn out from my travels

I've come so far

But I haven't gained anything

The memory remains

The sunset fades behind my back

My life

Forver marred by you

I'll leave this hell made by you

My demons running free

Inside me

Will they ever leave?

Here in my inner prison

Love, hate, creating a prism

Unforgiven

I stand alone


------------------
The night is my companion
The solitude my guide
Would I spend forever here
And not be satisfied?
Sarah MacLachlan, "Possession"
© Copyright 1999 Rhiannon - All Rights Reserved
desperado
Member
since 05-24-99
Posts 361
FT Hood,Tx


1 posted 10-21-1999 12:53 PM       View Profile for desperado   Email desperado   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for desperado

ok this lends a better feel closer together, so remember to not hit the enter key so repeatedly ok? hehe

lets just go through this shall we?


Away from your treachery
Away from the pain you've caused me
I am a child, terrified
Anger, bona fide

I'd add a word in front of anger there and make that first part into a question "My anger? bona fide" try that for an example. you can add it or not, but that's why I'm here, to give you my opinion.

And detached from sensuality

I'd delete the "and" and leave it starting with detached.

Who will be the one to love me
Who will be the one to free me
I'm standing at a crossroad
So many emotions to load
Worn out from my travels
I've come so far
But I haven't gained anything
The memory remains
The sunset fades behind my back
My life
Forver marred by you
I'll leave this hell made by you
My demons running free
Inside me
Will they ever leave?
Here in my inner prison
Love, hate, creating a prism

most people see a prism as a three sided figure, yet you only give two things. a good one for a third, should you decide to put one in, is indecision. or you could use another if you'd like or none at all. it is your choice, and I might be wrong.

Unforgiven
I stand alone

I did like this poem, it does move, and flow rather well, just little things here and there that I'm pointing out, nothing really big. well except for maybe the first thing, it's kinda iffy though. point is that though you have some good ideas, you are guilty of something the rest of us are guilty of as well, it's just the little things. I make goofs as often as the next man, yet we can all learn from these and continue on. so keep working on it and good luck.
Rhiannon
Member
since 07-28-99
Posts 95
Fayetteville, TN USA


2 posted 10-21-1999 05:31 PM       View Profile for Rhiannon   Email Rhiannon   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Rhiannon's Home Page   View IP for Rhiannon

Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it. Most people just say I like this one...or that's great, so it's nice to know someone is really paying attention. I'll take your advice and apply it to my future work. This wasn't one of my best, but it had the feeling I think....

------------------
The night is my companion
The solitude my guide
Would I spend forever here
And not be satisfied?
Sarah MacLachlan, "Possession"
Rhiannon will be notified of replies
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