How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Archives
 Open Poetry #3 Archive
 Empty
 1 2 3
Follow us on Facebook

 This is an Archive. You may post a reply, but new topics are not allowed.

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

Empty

 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
Rhiannon
Member
since 07-28-99
Posts 95
Fayetteville, TN USA


0 posted 10-20-1999 05:36 PM       View Profile for Rhiannon   Email Rhiannon   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Rhiannon's Home Page   View IP for Rhiannon

I want to empty myself of you

I want your touch to disappear

I want your eyes to fade away

Your lips to tell me to stay

I want my heart to be new again

I want to relish in my sin

I want to begin


------------------
The night is my companion
The solitude my guide
Would I spend forever here
And not be satisfied?
Sarah MacLachlan, "Possession"
© Copyright 1999 Rhiannon - All Rights Reserved
desperado
Member
since 05-24-99
Posts 361
FT Hood,Tx


1 posted 10-21-1999 12:38 PM       View Profile for desperado   Email desperado   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for desperado

ok it's a nice little piece, but a few things first of all.

number one, remove the spaces between the lines so that it appears as a block form. it's just easier on the reader due to the overall size and length of the poem. It also helps it keep consistent and continue towards your ultimate goal (which is the readers satisfaction, but sometimes every one takes that for granted when the write something)


I want to empty myself of you
I want your touch to disappear
I want your eyes to fade away
Your lips to tell me to stay

second, this fourth line contradicts the first three. what is it's purpose overall? you are trying to get rid of someone or something and yet you negate what you have said by adding this.

I want my heart to be new again
I want to relish in my sin
I want to begin

third, begin what? what are you trying to begin? are you trying to begin a game of checkers? or perhaps a game of gin? if you are playing gin deal me in too, ok? try to give the reader at least an idea of where your going such as "I want to begin to live" or "I want to begin to love you/You are all I need" or something.

fourth, I don't know what your overall goal is here, and alot of that rests primarily on your last line, as it completely leaves this poem with loose ends. so take this and tie up those ends and try once more.
Rhiannon
Member
since 07-28-99
Posts 95
Fayetteville, TN USA


2 posted 10-21-1999 05:35 PM       View Profile for Rhiannon   Email Rhiannon   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Rhiannon's Home Page   View IP for Rhiannon

First, I really like contradiction in feelings, because most of the time (especially in love) there are quite a few contradictory emotions (especially in teenagers). Basically I was trying to express that and most people my age don't know what they want yet, and the line "I want to begin" is supposed to be ambiguous, because I don't really know what I want to begin.

------------------
The night is my companion
The solitude my guide
Would I spend forever here
And not be satisfied?
Sarah MacLachlan, "Possession"
passing shadows
Member Empyrean
since 08-26-99
Posts 46297
displaced


3 posted 05-04-2004 04:18 AM       View Profile for passing shadows   Email passing shadows   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for passing shadows

wouldn't it be nice if it were that easy?
Rhiannon will be notified of replies
 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Archives >> Open Poetry #3 >> Empty Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors