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Passions in Poetry

Villanelle...Challenge

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Marilyn
Member Elite
since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada


0 posted 10-14-1999 01:37 PM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Marilyn

I dream of walking on the shore.
Do you see me or don't you care?
I can not make it to the door.

All huddled here confused and sore,
I'm caught and can't escape your lare.
I dream of walking on the shore.

to raise my head is such a chore,
Into the darkness I do stare;
I can not make it to the door.

My soul cries out,"Oh please, no more!"
I wanted just for you to share;
I dream of walking on the shore.

Your words have bruised me to the core.
I bang my head upon a chair;
I can not make it to the door.

I lay broken on the floor.
You were the one who threw me there;
I dream of walking on the shore.
I can not make it to the door.

© Copyright 1999 Marilyn - All Rights Reserved
INclan
Senior Member
since 07-20-99
Posts 1046
Indiana, USA


1 posted 10-14-1999 01:41 PM       View Profile for INclan   Email INclan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for INclan

Nicely done for a painful subject. I liked the way you kept repeating one phrase...it ties together well.

INclan
Marilyn
Member Elite
since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada


2 posted 10-14-1999 01:49 PM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marilyn

Thankyou INclan.....It has been a while since I posted anything in open. I was hopping I wasn't forgotten.
hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 07-05-99
Posts 11105
Glen Hope, PA USA


3 posted 10-15-1999 04:20 AM       View Profile for hoot_owl_rn   Email hoot_owl_rn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit hoot_owl_rn's Home Page   View IP for hoot_owl_rn

Marilyn, it was nice to have you in the same class, I really enjoyed watching this poem grow from the ground up. You did a wonderful job with it
Marilyn
Member Elite
since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada


4 posted 10-15-1999 11:19 AM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marilyn

Thankyou hoot....It was a challenge for me. I haven't had any formal training in poetry until now. It was fun and challenging.
U K Hero
Member
since 08-08-99
Posts 271
England


5 posted 10-15-1999 11:23 AM       View Profile for U K Hero   Email U K Hero   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for U K Hero

yes I agree with INclan, the repeating line does fall very well into the structure of the poem, well done.
suthern
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Seraphic
since 07-29-99
Posts 20770
on the threshold of a dream


6 posted 10-15-1999 11:26 AM       View Profile for suthern   Email suthern   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for suthern

I can't judge the form but I like the poem!
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 06-05-99
Posts 26302
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA


7 posted 10-15-1999 01:35 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Excellent effort, Marilyn. It takes many people several attempts at this form to show the talent you have here. Nicely done.
Marilyn
Member Elite
since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada


8 posted 10-15-1999 10:56 PM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marilyn

U K Hero...Thankyou. The repeating of the lines is the form of a villanelle. I am glad you liked it.

suthern...I am glad that you liked it and Nan's workshop helps learning the forms. The next one starts this weekend. I am looking forward to the challenge.


Balladeer....Your words mean so much to me. You know that I admire your work and I thankyou for such high praise. I still need some work on my meter. I am getting there though. LOL.
Watcher666
Senior Member
since 10-13-1999
Posts 1630


9 posted 10-16-1999 06:12 AM       View Profile for Watcher666   Email Watcher666   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Watcher666's Home Page   View IP for Watcher666

Well done!

------------------
Illusion...what we see and what we do...it's all up to you.
Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 08-22-99
Posts 23002


10 posted 10-16-1999 07:22 PM       View Profile for Denise   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Denise

Very good, Marilyn! You guys all did so well on these! I am impressed!

------------------
Denise
caroline
Senior Member
since 08-16-99
Posts 1251
http://members.xoom.com/bellad


11 posted 10-17-1999 12:35 PM       View Profile for caroline   Email caroline   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for caroline

I see you are an excellent student, Marilyn This was touching, and very nicely done.

------------------
"Tread softly, for I have spread my dreams under your feet"~~William Butler Yeats

Marilyn
Member Elite
since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada


12 posted 10-17-1999 03:36 PM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marilyn

Watcher, Denise and caroline...thankyou all for reading and replying to this. It was fun doing it!
 
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