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Open Poetry #3
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First attempt at a villanelle
| Open Poetry #3 |
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First attempt at a villanelle |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA 
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With love I ask for your forgiveness One can’t pursue a stronger goal Forgive me Love my love’s uniqueness I often grieve about my grievance But only love can cleanse my soul With love I ask for your forgiveness I’m sick with love, unruly sickness I beg you, sickness hear my call Forgive me Love my love’s uniqueness My leaking heart fills up with bleakness I beg you love, maintain your role With love I ask for your forgiveness Deprived of pride, dressed up in weakness Without love my heart seems dull Forgive me Love my love’s uniqueness Once and for all, I’ll speak in briefness Hear me once more, I will not stall With love I ask for your forgiveness Forgive me Love my love’s uniqueness ------------------ I fell in love and kept on falling |
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| © Copyright 1999 Andrey Kneller - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Nice attempt Master, I like your quatrain at the end, the meter works well, the only thing I can see wrong is your b rhyme goal, soul, call, role, dull, and stall....maybe change the lines with goal, soul and role? |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Hoot, thank for your comment, but I'm not sure what you mean, which lines should I change and why? |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Master, your b rhyme, the middle line of each stanza and the second line of the quatrain should all rhyme....so you either need to change the lines with the soul rhyme or the lines with the stall rhyme...see below, I broke it down for you on mine. This is very good, don't think I am criticizing you for it because I am merely making a suggestion. Love's Flight (A Villanelle) (a1) Drawn to her love's sweet light (b) Once caged, now is set free (a2) She spreads her wings in flight (a) Within the depths of night (b) Where blind, she now can see (a1) Drawn to her love's sweet light (a) There bathed in clouds of white (b) In skies above the sea (a2) She spreads her wings in flight (a) Life dim, now shinning bright (b) No longer lost she'll be (a1) Drawn to her love's sweet light (a) His love has won the fight (b) Released and now set free (a2) She spreads her wings in flight (a) Eyes opened in his sight (b) Her soul released, set free (a1) Drawn to her love's sweet light (a2) She spreads her wings in flight ------------------ Man can not discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore. |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Thanks Hoot, I'll see what I can do. |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
 nicely done! |
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