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Passions in Poetry

First attempt at a villanelle

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Master
Senior Member
since 08-18-99
Posts 1880
Boston, MA


0 posted 10-13-1999 10:55 PM       View Profile for Master   Email Master   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit Master's Home Page   View IP for Master

With love I ask for your forgiveness
One canít pursue a stronger goal
Forgive me Love my loveís uniqueness

I often grieve about my grievance
But only love can cleanse my soul
With love I ask for your forgiveness

Iím sick with love, unruly sickness
I beg you, sickness hear my call
Forgive me Love my loveís uniqueness

My leaking heart fills up with bleakness
I beg you love, maintain your role
With love I ask for your forgiveness

Deprived of pride, dressed up in weakness
Without love my heart seems dull
Forgive me Love my loveís uniqueness

Once and for all, Iíll speak in briefness
Hear me once more, I will not stall
With love I ask for your forgiveness
Forgive me Love my loveís uniqueness


------------------
I fell in love and kept on falling
© Copyright 1999 Andrey Kneller - All Rights Reserved
hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 07-05-99
Posts 11105
Glen Hope, PA USA


1 posted 10-14-1999 08:39 AM       View Profile for hoot_owl_rn   Email hoot_owl_rn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit hoot_owl_rn's Home Page   View IP for hoot_owl_rn

Nice attempt Master, I like your quatrain at the end, the meter works well, the only thing I can see wrong is your b rhyme goal, soul, call, role, dull, and stall....maybe change the lines with goal, soul and role?
Master
Senior Member
since 08-18-99
Posts 1880
Boston, MA


2 posted 10-14-1999 03:18 PM       View Profile for Master   Email Master   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Master's Home Page   View IP for Master

Hoot, thank for your comment, but I'm not sure what you mean, which lines should I change and why?
hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 07-05-99
Posts 11105
Glen Hope, PA USA


3 posted 10-14-1999 06:08 PM       View Profile for hoot_owl_rn   Email hoot_owl_rn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit hoot_owl_rn's Home Page   View IP for hoot_owl_rn

Master, your b rhyme, the middle line of each stanza and the second line of the quatrain should all rhyme....so you either need to change the lines with the soul rhyme or the lines with the stall rhyme...see below, I broke it down for you on mine. This is very good, don't think I am criticizing you for it because I am merely making a suggestion.
Love's Flight (A Villanelle)

(a1) Drawn to her love's sweet light
(b) Once caged, now is set free
(a2) She spreads her wings in flight

(a) Within the depths of night
(b) Where blind, she now can see
(a1) Drawn to her love's sweet light

(a) There bathed in clouds of white
(b) In skies above the sea
(a2) She spreads her wings in flight

(a) Life dim, now shinning bright
(b) No longer lost she'll be
(a1) Drawn to her love's sweet light

(a) His love has won the fight
(b) Released and now set free
(a2) She spreads her wings in flight

(a) Eyes opened in his sight
(b) Her soul released, set free
(a1) Drawn to her love's sweet light
(a2) She spreads her wings in flight



------------------
Man can not discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.
Master
Senior Member
since 08-18-99
Posts 1880
Boston, MA


4 posted 10-14-1999 11:08 PM       View Profile for Master   Email Master   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Master's Home Page   View IP for Master

Thanks Hoot, I'll see what I can do.
passing shadows
Member Empyrean
since 08-26-99
Posts 46297
displaced


5 posted 05-04-2004 03:34 AM       View Profile for passing shadows   Email passing shadows   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for passing shadows

nicely done!
 
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