Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA
It was star date fifty four point two,
A calm day for Jean-Luc and crew
As they maneuvered endless skies
Aboard the Starship Enterprise.
They sailed along quite happily,
Far corners of the galaxy
With Data, Worf, Deanna Troy,
Riker, the doctor and her boy.
'Twas Worf, I think, the first to see
What would become their malady.
He said, "Captain, sir, I think I spied
An alien craft on our port side."
Yes, there it was, now in full sight.
It's hull gave off an eerie light
With laser cannons sticking out.
It was a battle craft, no doubt.
"Hail them!", shouted out Picard
To Worf, commander of the guard.
"There's no reply"' Worf answered back.
"I'd say they're ready to attack!"
The Data said, "There's trouble now.
I see another off the bow
And yet another over there.
We are surrounded everywhere!"
Jean-Luc then cried out, "RED ALERT!
Those laser cannons really hurt!
Data! Take us to warp four
And keep the pedal to the floor!"
"Warp engines offline", Data said.
Jean-Luc ran finger through his head.
(He used to run them through his hair
And still forgets it isn't there.)
"Commander Worf! Let fly with phasers!
Aim them at their canon's lasers.
Riker! Turn us hard about!
Let's try to find some small way out."
Just then, to no one's sad surprise,
The ships fired on the Enterprise.
The shields held but wouldn't long.
Those laser blasts were just too strong.
Will Riker said, "What can we do?
Our power's offline. Our weapons, too.
It looks like we've run out of luck.
We're nothing but a sitting duck!"
The captain said, "Oh, what the hell!
We've but one choice, you know damned well.
Data, you know where to go.
Come back here with Ensign Toe!"
Not Ensign Toe!...but they all knew
That only he could pull them through
For only he could save the day
But, what a bitter price to pay!
Data returned with Ensign Toe
Who said, "Hey, Worfie! What you know?
When gals see me without a thing on
They swear that I must be part Klingon!"
"Ensign Toerag!", jean-Luc screamed out.
"For once, stop being such a lout!
There's a chance we will not make it home.
We need you to recite a poem!"
"But", Toe replied, "you once told me
You'd shoot if I read poetry!
That, if I didn't shut my face,
You'd transport me to hyper-space."
"Forget that now", Jean-Luc replied.
"We're glad to have you on OUR side.
Just step up to that microphone
And favor us with some, er, poem."
So Toe let go at fever pace.
His words were carried into space.
The alien ships began to crack
Under Toe's ungodly word attack.
With every stanza from Toerag
The aliens waved a huge white flag
And, as his poem kept going on,
They turned their ships and they were gone.
Toe's words continued through the void,
Turned planets into asteroids,
Extinguished suns caught in the fray
And even curdled the Milky Way.
"What have we done?", the captain said.
"This part of space is now all dead.
Quick, Data, get us out of here
And don't look back. Just get us clear."
And, as they sped out, undeterred,
Jean-Luc was very sure he heard
A heavenly voice shout in a roar,
"What noise!! St. Peter! Close the door!!"