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Passions in Poetry

Chasm

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rascalx
Senior Member
since 08-25-99
Posts 604
Florence, SC, USA


0 posted 10-09-1999 03:22 AM       View Profile for rascalx   Email rascalx   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit rascalx's Home Page   View IP for rascalx

I tell myself
that
I don't care
who feels your heartbeat..
who tastes your breath..
who reads your thoughts..
but it's a lie
As the words pour
out of me
I pretend
that you
don't have a way
to cross
this chasm
and prevent me
from falling..
but still I try
I listen
to your voice..
the distance between us
shortening
with each word..
my ears
hanging
on your every sound
I like you..
but I don't tell you
and by my isolation
and my fear
my true feelings
for you
are bound
I convince myself
that I have to be
close to you..
to see you..
to touch you
and know
that you are real
I love you..
but
thousands
of my words
can't cross the inches
that seperate us
as I struggle
with what I feel
Help me
cross this distance..
this chasm
I have created
____________

NOTE: This poem was edited after a very helpful critique from DreamEvil..the words are mine, but he helped set the tone. Thanks
RascalX
RascalX

[This message has been edited by rascalx (edited 10-09-1999).]
© Copyright 1999 Jeff Osborne - All Rights Reserved
DreamEvil
Member Elite
since 06-22-99
Posts 2442


1 posted 10-09-1999 03:31 AM       View Profile for DreamEvil   Email DreamEvil   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit DreamEvil's Home Page   View IP for DreamEvil

Your work reads well but it would benefit from line breaks. Example:

I tell myself
that
I don't care
who feels
your heartbeat..
who tastes
your breath..
who reads
your thoughts..
but
it's a lie

------------------
Now and forever my heart hears ~one voice~.
DreamEvilŠ

rascalx
Senior Member
since 08-25-99
Posts 604
Florence, SC, USA


2 posted 10-09-1999 03:37 AM       View Profile for rascalx   Email rascalx   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit rascalx's Home Page   View IP for rascalx

you're right, DreamEvil; It does read better with those breaks. Thank you for improving upon what I was trying to get across with my words.
Dragoness
Senior Member
since 08-07-99
Posts 525


3 posted 10-09-1999 03:53 AM       View Profile for Dragoness   Email Dragoness   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Dragoness's Home Page   View IP for Dragoness

The breaks help the read a lot,but the enotion heres is well stated.Well done!

------------------
Set you heart free and your mind will follow.

Tara Simms
Senior Member
since 08-12-99
Posts 1285
Honea Path, SC USA


4 posted 10-09-1999 04:06 AM       View Profile for Tara Simms   Email Tara Simms   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Tara Simms's Home Page   View IP for Tara Simms

Rascal, this was wonderful! By far, my favorite poem by you. I can feel the emotions that you packed into this. The longing, wistfulness, even a touch of despair. This one is PERFECT!

Dare I say "lucky woman" for the one who inspired this?

------------------
It matters not how strait the gate;
How charged with punishments the scroll;
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
--W.E. Henley
Visit my poetry website: www.geocities.com/Paris/Musee/9954/




[This message has been edited by Tara Simms (edited 10-09-1999).]
Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 08-22-99
Posts 23002


5 posted 10-10-1999 12:33 AM       View Profile for Denise   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Denise

This is beutiful and an enjoyable read!
Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 08-02-99
Posts 9130
Purgatorial Incarceration


6 posted 10-10-1999 01:57 AM       View Profile for Christopher   Email Christopher   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Christopher

Well done!
Good job on the titling! Caught me then led me through to the end!
Tara Simms
Senior Member
since 08-12-99
Posts 1285
Honea Path, SC USA


7 posted 10-10-1999 11:08 AM       View Profile for Tara Simms   Email Tara Simms   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Tara Simms's Home Page   View IP for Tara Simms

This is so wonderful, I just had to respond again. Can't help myself.

Jeff, this poem pulls at the heartstrings. Makes me want to reach out and pull you across the chasm you speak of. When you look down into it, do you see a swirling abyss?
rascalx
Senior Member
since 08-25-99
Posts 604
Florence, SC, USA


8 posted 10-10-1999 08:55 PM       View Profile for rascalx   Email rascalx   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit rascalx's Home Page   View IP for rascalx

Thank you everyone for your compliments; writing this poem was therapeutic for me.

And yes, Tara, I do see a frightening abyss beneath me but the temptation to jump is so strong. Thanks :-)
hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 07-05-99
Posts 11105
Glen Hope, PA USA


9 posted 10-10-1999 10:55 PM       View Profile for hoot_owl_rn   Email hoot_owl_rn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit hoot_owl_rn's Home Page   View IP for hoot_owl_rn

Wow....this is beautiful. I know the woman this was written for and although I'd like to say, one lucky woman, I think you are also lucky. You've done a beautiful job on this piece, well written. I am truly looking for more. Hope you have the faith and trust to cross that chasm soon
rascalx
Senior Member
since 08-25-99
Posts 604
Florence, SC, USA


10 posted 10-11-1999 01:32 AM       View Profile for rascalx   Email rascalx   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit rascalx's Home Page   View IP for rascalx

thank you hoot owl...given the depth of my growing feelings for the woman who inspired this poem, it was a difficult piece to write.
passing shadows
Member Empyrean
since 08-26-99
Posts 46297
displaced


11 posted 05-04-2004 03:53 AM       View Profile for passing shadows   Email passing shadows   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for passing shadows

I know this well
 
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