Open Poetry #3 |
Chasm |
rascalx Senior Member
since 1999-08-25
Posts 590Florence, SC, USA |
I tell myself that I don't care who feels your heartbeat.. who tastes your breath.. who reads your thoughts.. but it's a lie As the words pour out of me I pretend that you don't have a way to cross this chasm and prevent me from falling.. but still I try I listen to your voice.. the distance between us shortening with each word.. my ears hanging on your every sound I like you.. but I don't tell you and by my isolation and my fear my true feelings for you are bound I convince myself that I have to be close to you.. to see you.. to touch you and know that you are real I love you.. but thousands of my words can't cross the inches that seperate us as I struggle with what I feel Help me cross this distance.. this chasm I have created ____________ NOTE: This poem was edited after a very helpful critique from DreamEvil..the words are mine, but he helped set the tone. Thanks RascalX RascalX [This message has been edited by rascalx (edited 10-09-1999).] |
||
© Copyright 1999 Jeff Osborne - All Rights Reserved | |||
DreamEvil Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396 |
Your work reads well but it would benefit from line breaks. Example: I tell myself that I don't care who feels your heartbeat.. who tastes your breath.. who reads your thoughts.. but it's a lie ------------------ Now and forever my heart hears ~one voice~. DreamEvil© |
||
rascalx Senior Member
since 1999-08-25
Posts 590Florence, SC, USA |
you're right, DreamEvil; It does read better with those breaks. Thank you for improving upon what I was trying to get across with my words. |
||
Dragoness Senior Member
since 1999-08-07
Posts 513 |
The breaks help the read a lot,but the enotion heres is well stated.Well done! ------------------ Set you heart free and your mind will follow. |
||
Tara Simms Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 1244Honea Path, SC USA |
Rascal, this was wonderful! By far, my favorite poem by you. I can feel the emotions that you packed into this. The longing, wistfulness, even a touch of despair. This one is PERFECT! Dare I say "lucky woman" for the one who inspired this? ------------------ It matters not how strait the gate; How charged with punishments the scroll; I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul. --W.E. Henley Visit my poetry website: www.geocities.com/Paris/Musee/9954/ [This message has been edited by Tara Simms (edited 10-09-1999).] |
||
Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
This is beutiful and an enjoyable read! |
||
Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Well done! Good job on the titling! Caught me then led me through to the end! |
||
Tara Simms Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 1244Honea Path, SC USA |
This is so wonderful, I just had to respond again. Can't help myself. Jeff, this poem pulls at the heartstrings. Makes me want to reach out and pull you across the chasm you speak of. When you look down into it, do you see a swirling abyss? |
||
rascalx Senior Member
since 1999-08-25
Posts 590Florence, SC, USA |
Thank you everyone for your compliments; writing this poem was therapeutic for me. And yes, Tara, I do see a frightening abyss beneath me but the temptation to jump is so strong. Thanks :-) |
||
hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Wow....this is beautiful. I know the woman this was written for and although I'd like to say, one lucky woman, I think you are also lucky. You've done a beautiful job on this piece, well written. I am truly looking for more. Hope you have the faith and trust to cross that chasm soon |
||
rascalx Senior Member
since 1999-08-25
Posts 590Florence, SC, USA |
thank you hoot owl...given the depth of my growing feelings for the woman who inspired this poem, it was a difficult piece to write. |
||
passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
I know this well |
||
⇧ top of page ⇧ | ||
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. |