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Open Poetry #1
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Sonnet
| Open Poetry #1 |
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Sonnet |
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TheGreenPolarBear Junior Member
since 1999-05-23
Posts 38Kansas |
Sonnet Oh radiant moon upon bitter night, your glow tempting me with happiness and looking down as my longings take to flight. So I cry to you from this bed of sand near an ocean dark that embraces black to release me from my abandoned cell. Into the world of light I must come back, and your aged, weary smile knows this path well. I've become alone in this empty place with nothing but cold fires to hear my pleas, and empty canyons to echo my case, and bleak night dreams with eternal dead seas. So I cry to you to show me the sun, end this dark dream, show me my companion. ------------------ The Green Polar Bear "The past is what we live the future for." -- Me |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
All righty, my friend.. You've got the rhyme scheme down for a Shakespearean Sonnet - and you develop a theme nicely - All you need to work on here is your iambic pentameter.....  You ask, You receive..... |
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DreamEvil Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396 |
Nicely done! I agree with Nan, like who couldn't. If I might suggest something, take the word "and" out of the 2nd stanza. It throws off the syllable count. All in all, you did marvelously well. ------------------ Shall I indulge in flights of fancy hampered by clipped wings? DreamEvil© |
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Alwye
Moderator
Member Elite
since 1999-06-16
Posts 3850In the space between moments |
Great job, Green Polar Bear!!!!! I really enjoyed this!! ------------------ *Krista Knutson* I see the world through the loving eyes of my heart, and suffer the pain of unfulfilled visions. -- Daniel L. Miller |
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