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Passions in Poetry

We Love Differently (rough draft of my first poem ever)

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traveler
Member
since 08-17-99
Posts 122


0 posted 08-23-99 12:09 PM       View Profile for traveler   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for traveler

We Love Differently

This lonely, private, hell,
Such oppressive heat;
Heart an empty, winter well,
Constricted, it will not beat.

Asked for my heart, she wanted it alone,
Committed, I sealed it with a kiss;
But, now it is separate from her own,
While she seeks her other bliss.

Said she, "no other love like this before",
How, "her other half I did fill";
Then why let strangers behind that private door,
Would it be ever so ... until ...

Then we talked, agreed, I stayed;
Your love, promised yet again,
Cold promise made, you strayed;
Insecurities filled? A stranger now a friend?

Our time together, oh so sweet,
Then the only one you loved was me;
In my absence how your heart does beat,
Then I'm gone, and with another, content you'll be.

A first attempt, may well be my last. Critcisms are still welcome.
© Copyright 1999 traveler - All Rights Reserved
Sunshine
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Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart


1 posted 08-23-99 01:42 PM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

Traveler, we certainly hope this will not be your last attempt.

You change from third person to second person and thus changes the context of your poem. Are you writing about someone, or to someone? If you want to keep it as is, then you need to encapsulate the second person in quotes.

Otherwise, good job!

------------------
Sunshine
Words will always express our feelings true. ~~~ KRJ
Look, then, into thine heart, and write ~~~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow


Balladeer
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Member Empyrean
since 06-05-99
Posts 26302
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA


2 posted 08-23-99 01:55 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Traveler, you have good ideas that you seem to be able to put on paper easily. I would suggest that, if you feel serious about writing in the rhyming style of poetry, you study lessons and tips on meter and rhyme. There are plenty available on the internet. Writing good poetry is not as simple as just sitting down, jotting the words on paper and reaching for excellence. It is a learned skill, like driving a car. Study the rules of the road, then take your thoughts out for a test drive. You may find that you really enjoy it. Give it a shot. You'll get a lot of support here.
Skyfyre
Senior Member
since 08-15-99
Posts 1966
Sitting in Michael's Lap


3 posted 08-23-99 03:57 PM       View Profile for Skyfyre   Email Skyfyre   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Skyfyre

This was touching and heartfelt ... I enjoyed reading it though it made me sad ...

Balladeer, I think you are being too harsh with your comments on rhyme and meter ... I think poetry has to come from the heart to be good ... I have nothing against rhyme ... LOL ... as I do use it a lot ... but sometimes rhyme and meter has to be sacrificed to pure emotion ... if all poetry were the same it would defeat the purpose of writing or reading it. I do agree with you on one thing, though ... the emotions were not lost here in translation to the paper ...

------------------
"Nunc lento sonitu dicunt, morierus"
(When I hear the bell tolling softly for another, it says to me, "Thou must die.")

The Jackal
Member
since 08-13-99
Posts 427
Springfield, Massachusetts U.S


4 posted 08-23-99 03:59 PM       View Profile for The Jackal   Email The Jackal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for The Jackal

very veautiful piece nicely done..i am impressed..wish i could express soo well.

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Elizabeth
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
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Member Rara Avis
since 06-07-99
Posts 7296
America the beautiful


5 posted 08-23-99 04:06 PM       View Profile for Elizabeth   Email Elizabeth   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Elizabeth's Home Page   View IP for Elizabeth

Please don't stop! I think you have a lot of potential. The rhyme in "We Love Differently" is excellent, and the meter needs a little bit of work. Other than that, this poem is very good and powerful. Hope I've helped.

By the way, welcome to Netpoets! I hope to see more of your work!

------------------
*Elizabeth*

"Dwelt a maid belov'd and cherish'd by high and low,
But with autumn leaf she perish'd, long time ago..."
traveler
Member
since 08-17-99
Posts 122


6 posted 08-23-99 05:38 PM       View Profile for traveler   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for traveler

Thank you all for the kind comments. This is still a work in progress. I'll not post such a rough draft again. Just wanted to get my feet wet.

caroline
Senior Member
since 08-16-99
Posts 1251
http://members.xoom.com/bellad


7 posted 08-23-99 08:11 PM       View Profile for caroline   Email caroline   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for caroline

I thought it quite well done, actually. You definitely should keep writing. You have much to say.

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The only man worth your tears will never make you cry...
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