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Passions in Poetry

Just getting started...comments welcome!

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Julie
Senior Member
since 08-20-99
Posts 742
Houston, TX


0 posted 08-20-99 02:42 PM       View Profile for Julie   Email Julie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Julie

I Am Only Your Wife

Don't take us for granted, cherish our time;
even when we don't have a dime.
Why wait for a crisis to befall,
will it be then you hear my call?

Your work is your life,
I am only your wife.
The one who is here for you every night,
and kisses you, saying...sleep tight.

Who listens to you when you're sad,
that takes it when you're mad.
Who holds you up when you're not so bold,
and is expected to be here when your old.

Who does everything as you prefer,
as I wait for something to occur.
Who denies you nothing...
all I ask, is a little something.
© Copyright 1999 Julie - All Rights Reserved
mister61
Junior Member
since 08-12-99
Posts 43
bergen county, nj


1 posted 08-20-99 05:21 PM       View Profile for mister61   Email mister61   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for mister61

You get your feeling across really well, very expressive. Structure wise, the rhythm in some of the verses seem inconsistent. Not that they all have to be identical, but line to line it seems a little choppy. And what's the 'little something' you're asking for? I could probably guess correctly, but you saying it might make a simpler, bolder statement. I like the way you use your words.
WhtDove
Member Rara Avis
since 07-22-99
Posts 9561
Illinois


2 posted 08-20-99 05:28 PM       View Profile for WhtDove   Email WhtDove   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit WhtDove's Home Page   View IP for WhtDove

In agreement. You have a strong message here.
If you would like help to make it flow a bit better, they're are some great poets here that would help. Balladeer is wonderful at this! But really you have done a good job! and Welcome!!!

[This message has been edited by WhtDove (edited 08-20-99).]
Julie
Senior Member
since 08-20-99
Posts 742
Houston, TX


3 posted 08-20-99 05:40 PM       View Profile for Julie   Email Julie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Julie

Thanks for the input guys/gals. I will have to get Balladeer's attention. That is why I am here...to make it better.
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart


4 posted 08-20-99 05:53 PM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

This is a good start Julie. Welcome to PiP! I will be reading more. You probably haven't seen the postings of "spelling" and "grammar"...something to watch out for, as it really does help get the true message across in your poems. That's all I can critique at the moment..I really liked the content of your piece, and looking forwards to more.

------------------
Sunshine
Words will always express our feelings true. ~~~ KRJ
Look, then, into thine heart, and write ~~~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow


elvira
Senior Member
since 07-06-99
Posts 985
California


5 posted 08-20-99 05:58 PM       View Profile for elvira   Email elvira   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for elvira

Welcome to the forums, Julie ...if you seek constructive criticism, you may want to post your work in "critical analysis"

------------------
PS: have you been to "The Alley" lately and cast your vote for "on a roll"?

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