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Passions in Poetry

The breeze and I

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Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean
since 07-07-99
Posts 32119
Tamarac Fla


0 posted 08-20-99 11:47 AM       View Profile for Seymour Tabin   Email Seymour Tabin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Seymour Tabin

The breeze and I

Her words flow like a high powered fan
And I always seem caught in the breeze.
If she'd only put some honey on these
Like my favorite pastry marzipan.

Most often they would sound like a bears roar.
A she bear, in an unpleasant mood.
With a sting like a bee in conclude.
Each cacophony of strident SEYMOURS

I shrink with each thunder rap so loud
That my innards would shrivel and quake
She sounds to me like the devil in wake
Chumming up for his daily becloud.

T'is no fun to stand the breeze of a fan
If it whacks you like a towel in the can.
© Copyright 1999 Seymour Tabin - All Rights Reserved
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart


1 posted 08-20-99 12:07 PM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

Ok, HELP! I do not understand stanza two, line three. 'Splain, please? Otherwise, I think I get the gist, and again, you've done a good job!

------------------
Sunshine
Words will always express our feelings true. ~~~ KRJ
Look, then, into thine heart, and write ~~~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow


Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean
since 07-07-99
Posts 32119
Tamarac Fla


2 posted 08-20-99 01:36 PM       View Profile for Seymour Tabin   Email Seymour Tabin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Seymour Tabin

Sunshine,
You caught the weakest line in the poem
I wanted to say each statement finshed with the sting of a bee. Keeping it in the rhyme form I was using was difficult. I'll do better next time, thanks for the read.
i enjoy your comments and your great poetry.
Majere
Junior Member
since 08-18-99
Posts 34


3 posted 08-20-99 03:01 PM       View Profile for Majere   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Majere

Excellent job! You are one of the best I've read here so far...

------------------
Such is the way to immortality ;)

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart


4 posted 08-20-99 03:41 PM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

Dear See, I hope you don't mind
when I question a rhyme
I like to understand everything
and most often, your poetry sings!

Thanks, too, for inspecting my work
sometimes the words come so fast
I don't want to appear "the jerk"
and I'd like to think my poetry will last.

------------------
Sunshine
Words will always express our feelings true. ~~~ KRJ
Look, then, into thine heart, and write ~~~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow


Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean
since 07-07-99
Posts 32119
Tamarac Fla


5 posted 08-20-99 11:44 PM       View Profile for Seymour Tabin   Email Seymour Tabin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Seymour Tabin

Sunshine '
Your poetry will last and I don't mind questions.
Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean
since 07-07-99
Posts 32119
Tamarac Fla


6 posted 08-21-99 12:06 PM       View Profile for Seymour Tabin   Email Seymour Tabin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Seymour Tabin

Majere,
Than you have not read too much. For there are gaints that walk amongst us. But thank you so much for the kind words.
poetFemmeFatale
Member Elite
since 07-25-99
Posts 2961
Arkansas


7 posted 08-21-99 12:46 PM       View Profile for poetFemmeFatale   Email poetFemmeFatale   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for poetFemmeFatale

Fabulous piece my dear, and you are talking to the queen of "can whacking..." with my towel of course !! ~~ A whack every day, keeps the boredom away.....~~ Have you had your can whackin' today...???~~~ (singing * * *) Obviously this touched me deeply.......(grin)

------------------
- poet FemmeFatale

"The strongest man in the world is he who stands most alone..." Henrik Ibsen (1826-1906) Norwegian dramatist lyric poet

Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean
since 07-07-99
Posts 32119
Tamarac Fla


8 posted 08-21-99 07:14 PM       View Profile for Seymour Tabin   Email Seymour Tabin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Seymour Tabin

Pff,
From can whacker to another thank you.
pen of passion
Member
since 08-11-99
Posts 240


9 posted 08-22-99 10:41 PM       View Profile for pen of passion   Email pen of passion   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for pen of passion

Enjoyable. I can relate.
 
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