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Passions in Poetry

My Dear Friend (Revised)

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WhtDove
Member Rara Avis
since 07-22-99
Posts 9561
Illinois


0 posted 08-16-99 01:16 PM       View Profile for WhtDove   Email WhtDove   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit WhtDove's Home Page   View IP for WhtDove

Thank you Balladeer for taking the time to help me. I am not sure of this second stanza. I reworked it, but am not sure if it fits. Any comments would be appreciated.


It breaks my heart, dear friend,
What you are going through.
They do not see nor understand...
I only wish they knew.

They know not what they say.
They know not what they do.
They mention cruel and hateful things
Not knowing they hurt you.

They're striking out in anger.
Their rage is all they see.
They truly cannot understand
The lie hurts painfully.

They stand in deep frustration.
They know not what to do.
They listen to the others
And shift the blame on you.

I know right now you're hurting
My heart for you does bleed
But I will always be there
In times of joy or need.

For you are very precious.
You mean a lot to me.
'Twas only by the will of God
Our friendship came to be.

All that I can tell you is
To pray within your heart
That they will come to understand
From God you will not part.

My friend, it rests with God now
And all that's in His will.
No matter what may happen
Know I will love you still.

[This message has been edited by WhtDove (edited 08-16-99).]
© Copyright 1999 WhtDove - All Rights Reserved
Sue
Member
since 08-04-99
Posts 407
France


1 posted 08-16-99 04:23 PM       View Profile for Sue   Email Sue   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sue

I'm not too sure about the second stanza, either, but I don't have any suggestions, I'm afraid - I'm not too clear on what you were trying to say.
In the sixth I would suggest that
"But I'll be always there" instead of
"But I will always be there" might improve the flow.
The rest I really loved.
LngJhnAg
Member Elite
since 07-23-99
Posts 3654
Boot+Kitty=Poetry in motion


2 posted 08-16-99 04:33 PM       View Profile for LngJhnAg   Email LngJhnAg   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for LngJhnAg

That God gives understanding,
His truth they must retain.
The evil that they're speaking,
From lips they must refrain.

Well, Dovey - how about this for the second verse - kind of a "You are as you speak" kind of statement.


That God gives understanding,
In love his truth remains.
The evil that they're speaking,
Will be what they retain.
WhtDove
Member Rara Avis
since 07-22-99
Posts 9561
Illinois


3 posted 08-16-99 04:56 PM       View Profile for WhtDove   Email WhtDove   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit WhtDove's Home Page   View IP for WhtDove

Thanks LngJhn, that is more what I am trying to say. It makes a lot more sense. I just seem to have gotten stuck in my words.
Thank you so very much for your help!

I deleted that 2nd stanza, I will read it over again, and see if that will fit in with what I am trying to get across.

[This message has been edited by WhtDove (edited 08-16-99).]
WhtDove
Member Rara Avis
since 07-22-99
Posts 9561
Illinois


4 posted 08-16-99 05:07 PM       View Profile for WhtDove   Email WhtDove   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit WhtDove's Home Page   View IP for WhtDove

Thank you Sue! How about adding, 'And I will always be there' instead of But.
Think that would help???
elvira
Senior Member
since 07-06-99
Posts 985
California


5 posted 08-16-99 10:36 PM       View Profile for elvira   Email elvira   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for elvira

such a great tribute to a friend
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 06-05-99
Posts 26302
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA


6 posted 08-16-99 10:45 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

You cannot change "....I will always be there" to "....I'll always be there" without altering the syllable count and creating a mismatch with the first line. I think "and" in front works better than "but".
WhtDove
Member Rara Avis
since 07-22-99
Posts 9561
Illinois


7 posted 08-17-99 07:38 AM       View Profile for WhtDove   Email WhtDove   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit WhtDove's Home Page   View IP for WhtDove

Thanks to all for your help. I will change the "but" to "and." I chuckle when I look at this. I have finally decided just to leave out that stanza all together. After all we went through to make it fit.
I really do appreciate all the help!!!
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