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Sue
Member
since 1999-08-04
Posts 383
France

0 posted 1999-08-16 06:32 AM


This is my first attempt, please, please tell me what you think.

I sit here alone and hear
the disembodied electronic voices
of unknown correspondents.
I sit here and understand
that my reality is all virtual
your voices disembodied
my body without a voice

© Copyright 1999 Sue - All Rights Reserved
Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA
1 posted 1999-08-16 08:50 AM


Very interesting twist, Sue....
Free verse is nigh onto impossible for me - I'm not as brave as you, I guess...

Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla
2 posted 1999-08-16 09:49 AM


Sue,
A lot of meaning in a few words.
You get a TU from me.

Lost Dreamer
Member Elite
since 1999-06-20
Posts 2464
Somewhere near the Rainbow
3 posted 1999-08-16 10:09 AM


Wonderful job! Glad you tried it.
Sue
Member
since 1999-08-04
Posts 383
France
4 posted 1999-08-16 10:32 AM


Thank you, all of you.
I hardly dare ask, Seymour, but what is a TU?

moonmoon
Member
since 1999-08-13
Posts 277
TX , USA
5 posted 1999-08-17 12:35 PM




BRAVO ..Sue, This is excellent for a first attempt...I could 'feel' the loneliness portrayed..

I am a newbie here myself..let us watch out for each others poems..okay?

------------------
"No one was ever ruined from without;
The final ruin comes from within." Amelia E. Barr


juanita
Member
since 1999-08-13
Posts 68
Los Angeles, CA, USA
6 posted 1999-08-17 01:35 AM


I liked it sue, as always a great job!
Terri
Member
since 1999-08-08
Posts 82
Turtle Creek, PA
7 posted 1999-08-17 01:46 AM


Sue--I really like it! To me, it describes how I feel looking thru the poems here in the forum. I can 'hear' all these beautiful voices singing their songs while I sit here mute. Bravo!
Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration
8 posted 1999-08-17 02:13 AM


Well done Sue, and very powerful!

Suggestion: try to break up the longer phrases, the disembodied electronic voices is a little hard to swallow in one gulp. Maybe try splitting it up a little.

I sit here alone and hear
the disembodied electronic
-voices-
of unknown correspondants...


Just a constructive criticism on my part, though I'm definitely no eggspurt!

T(humbs) U(p)

------------------
It's so cool, it's so swell, living here on Ice Planet hell!
-Psychotica-



[This message has been edited by Christopher (edited 08-17-99).]

Sue
Member
since 1999-08-04
Posts 383
France
9 posted 1999-08-17 02:25 AM


Thanks, Christopher, I see what you mean. I think I would prefer

I sit here alone and hear
the disembodied
electronic voices
of unknown correspondants...

what do you think?


Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration
10 posted 1999-08-17 09:42 PM


Very Very Good Sue! I like that even better than my suggestion! It just makes it flow!

------------------
It's so cool, it's so swell, living here on Ice Planet hell!
-Psychotica-


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