How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Archives
 Open Poetry #1 Archive
 Me? Free verse?
 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Follow us on Facebook

 This is an Archive. You may post a reply, but new topics are not allowed.

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

Me? Free verse?

 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
Sue
Member
since 08-04-99
Posts 407
France


0 posted 08-16-99 06:32 AM       View Profile for Sue   Email Sue   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Sue

This is my first attempt, please, please tell me what you think.

I sit here alone and hear
the disembodied electronic voices
of unknown correspondents.
I sit here and understand
that my reality is all virtual
your voices disembodied
my body without a voice
© Copyright 1999 Sue - All Rights Reserved
Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 05-20-99
Posts 24426
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA


1 posted 08-16-99 08:50 AM       View Profile for Nan   Email Nan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Nan's Home Page   View IP for Nan

Very interesting twist, Sue....
Free verse is nigh onto impossible for me - I'm not as brave as you, I guess...
Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean
since 07-07-99
Posts 32119
Tamarac Fla


2 posted 08-16-99 09:49 AM       View Profile for Seymour Tabin   Email Seymour Tabin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Seymour Tabin

Sue,
A lot of meaning in a few words.
You get a TU from me.
Lost Dreamer
Member Elite
since 06-20-99
Posts 2589
Normal, Illinois


3 posted 08-16-99 10:09 AM       View Profile for Lost Dreamer   Email Lost Dreamer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Lost Dreamer

Wonderful job! Glad you tried it.
Sue
Member
since 08-04-99
Posts 407
France


4 posted 08-16-99 10:32 AM       View Profile for Sue   Email Sue   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sue

Thank you, all of you.
I hardly dare ask, Seymour, but what is a TU?
moonmoon
Member
since 08-13-99
Posts 280
TX , USA


5 posted 08-17-99 12:35 AM       View Profile for moonmoon   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for moonmoon



BRAVO ..Sue, This is excellent for a first attempt...I could 'feel' the loneliness portrayed..

I am a newbie here myself..let us watch out for each others poems..okay?

------------------
"No one was ever ruined from without;
The final ruin comes from within." Amelia E. Barr

juanita
Member
since 08-13-99
Posts 68
Los Angeles, CA, USA


6 posted 08-17-99 01:35 AM       View Profile for juanita   Email juanita   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for juanita

I liked it sue, as always a great job!
Terri
Member
since 08-08-99
Posts 82
Turtle Creek, PA


7 posted 08-17-99 01:46 AM       View Profile for Terri   Email Terri   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Terri

Sue--I really like it! To me, it describes how I feel looking thru the poems here in the forum. I can 'hear' all these beautiful voices singing their songs while I sit here mute. Bravo!
Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 08-02-99
Posts 9130
Purgatorial Incarceration


8 posted 08-17-99 02:13 AM       View Profile for Christopher   Email Christopher   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Christopher

Well done Sue, and very powerful!

Suggestion: try to break up the longer phrases, the disembodied electronic voices is a little hard to swallow in one gulp. Maybe try splitting it up a little.

I sit here alone and hear
the disembodied electronic
-voices-
of unknown correspondants...


Just a constructive criticism on my part, though I'm definitely no eggspurt!

T(humbs) U(p)

------------------
It's so cool, it's so swell, living here on Ice Planet hell!
-Psychotica-



[This message has been edited by Christopher (edited 08-17-99).]
Sue
Member
since 08-04-99
Posts 407
France


9 posted 08-17-99 02:25 AM       View Profile for Sue   Email Sue   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sue

Thanks, Christopher, I see what you mean. I think I would prefer

I sit here alone and hear
the disembodied
electronic voices
of unknown correspondants...

what do you think?

Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 08-02-99
Posts 9130
Purgatorial Incarceration


10 posted 08-17-99 09:42 PM       View Profile for Christopher   Email Christopher   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Christopher

Very Very Good Sue! I like that even better than my suggestion! It just makes it flow!

------------------
It's so cool, it's so swell, living here on Ice Planet hell!
-Psychotica-

 
 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Archives >> Open Poetry #1 >> Me? Free verse? Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors