I'm not the expert on sonnets around here (Nan?), but this piece did not have it. Sincere message perhaps, but spend more time on structure. If you write free verse, look for flow and conveyance of feeling, if you are writing rhyme then work of meter, timeing and all that other structure stuff.
------------------ Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn. JP
For some reason I feel compelled, once in awhile,to write a piece like this. It takes quite an inspiration to write from a perspective that is less than dark, which could explain the roughness of it I suppose.