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Passions in Poetry

all grown-up

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ShellBelle
Junior Member
since 08-06-99
Posts 12


0 posted 08-09-99 09:01 PM       View Profile for ShellBelle   Email ShellBelle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ShellBelle



while the children laugh and play
i sit stone cold in my seat
sending blank stares across the room
stiff legs attached to limp feet

while the children sing spirit songs
i paint a confident smile on my face
frightened that they may see through
to my banner of shameful disgrace

while the children confidently participate
i am caged deep within the nest
taught to fear the world and remain hidden
or leave armed, wearing a bullet-proof vest

while the children count their sheep tonight
i cry myself to sleep
my cheek pressed against the cold cement
alone and abandoned, so weak


@-->---- @-->---- @-->---- @-->----


I'd appreciate any feedback. I was wondering if the length of some of the lines hinder the flow of the poem. Thanks so much.
© Copyright 1999 ShellBelle - All Rights Reserved
Lucie
Senior Member
since 06-20-99
Posts 1123
Houston


1 posted 08-09-99 10:09 PM       View Profile for Lucie   Email Lucie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Lucie

There are some powerful statements in this poem. It is a bit choppy, but I think if you trimmed it down it wouldn't have the same effect or message. It doesn't flow very smoothly, but it reads very deeply.
ShellBelle
Junior Member
since 08-06-99
Posts 12


2 posted 08-09-99 10:18 PM       View Profile for ShellBelle   Email ShellBelle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ShellBelle

Thanks, Lucie. I'll see what I can do.

@-->----

A friend is someone who reaches for your hand ...and touches your heart.

Alwye
Moderator
Member Elite
since 06-16-99
Posts 3968
In the space between moments


3 posted 08-09-99 10:56 PM       View Profile for Alwye   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alwye

I agree with Lucie. This is still an excellent piece of work..so very sad. I shall look for more from you.

------------------
*Krista Knutson*

"Your kiss upon my face feels like a brush with grace, baby thats all it takes to take me higher..." SHeDaisy

[This message has been edited by Alwye (edited 08-09-99).]
Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean
since 07-07-99
Posts 32119
Tamarac Fla


4 posted 08-10-99 11:59 AM       View Profile for Seymour Tabin   Email Seymour Tabin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Seymour Tabin

I agree with Lucie needs a little work but I liked it.
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