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Open Poetry #1

all grown-up

ShellBelle
Junior Member

since 1999-08-06

Posts 11

0 posted 1999-08-09 09:01 PM

while the children laugh and play
i sit stone cold in my seat
sending blank stares across the room
stiff legs attached to limp feet

while the children sing spirit songs
i paint a confident smile on my face
frightened that they may see through
to my banner of shameful disgrace

while the children confidently participate
i am caged deep within the nest
taught to fear the world and remain hidden
or leave armed, wearing a bullet-proof vest

while the children count their sheep tonight
i cry myself to sleep
my cheek pressed against the cold cement
alone and abandoned, so weak

@-->---- @-->---- @-->---- @-->----

I'd appreciate any feedback. I was wondering if the length of some of the lines hinder the flow of the poem. Thanks so much.

Lucie
Senior Member

since 1999-06-20

Posts 1077
Houston

1 posted 1999-08-09 10:09 PM

There are some powerful statements in this poem. It is a bit choppy, but I think if you trimmed it down it wouldn't have the same effect or message. It doesn't flow very smoothly, but it reads very deeply.

ShellBelle
Junior Member

since 1999-08-06

Posts 11

2 posted 1999-08-09 10:18 PM

Thanks, Lucie. I'll see what I can do.

@-->----

A friend is someone who reaches for your hand ...and touches your heart.

Alwye

Moderator

Member Elite

since 1999-06-16

Posts 3850
In the space between moments

3 posted 1999-08-09 10:56 PM

I agree with Lucie. This is still an excellent piece of work..so very sad. I shall look for more from you.

------------------
*Krista Knutson*

"Your kiss upon my face feels like a brush with grace, baby thats all it takes to take me higher..." SHeDaisy

[This message has been edited by Alwye (edited 08-09-99).]

Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean

since 1999-07-07

Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla

4 posted 1999-08-10 11:59 AM

I agree with Lucie needs a little work but I liked it.

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