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Passions in Poetry

Old Woman

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INclan
Senior Member
since 07-20-99
Posts 1046
Indiana, USA


0 posted 08-06-99 04:10 PM       View Profile for INclan   Email INclan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for INclan

...Old woman bathing
Her cloths adorn the bushes
The force of gravity
© Copyright 1999 KKunnen - All Rights Reserved
LngJhnAg
Member Elite
since 07-23-99
Posts 3654
Boot+Kitty=Poetry in motion


1 posted 08-06-99 04:15 PM       View Profile for LngJhnAg   Email LngJhnAg   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for LngJhnAg

You know what, INclan? This was a really, really neat three lines. For me, it was like the optical illusion of the old woman and the young maid. You can see them both, but not at the same time. When I first read it, I thought it was like a peep show, the gravity making the clothes fall from the bushes to reveal the woman bathing. Then, I thought of what gravity does to most endowed women, and I forgot about the clothes on the bushes and thought instead of what the woman looked like, with her breasts sagging. This was a really compact three lines of imagery. Great job! neat!
suthern
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Seraphic
since 07-29-99
Posts 20770
on the threshold of a dream


2 posted 08-06-99 04:19 PM       View Profile for suthern   Email suthern   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for suthern

Unlike LJA's response... which wasn't compact at all! LOL.

Thanks, LJA... I really needed that image of sag to take with me into the weekend... NOT! LOL
INclan
Senior Member
since 07-20-99
Posts 1046
Indiana, USA


3 posted 08-06-99 04:21 PM       View Profile for INclan   Email INclan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for INclan

LngJhnAg,

You honor me with understanding. I am in your debt.

INclan
hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 07-05-99
Posts 11105
Glen Hope, PA USA


4 posted 08-06-99 06:38 PM       View Profile for hoot_owl_rn   Email hoot_owl_rn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit hoot_owl_rn's Home Page   View IP for hoot_owl_rn

Inclan...those three lines paint quite a picture.


------------------
"Nobody has measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold" ~Zelda Fitzgerald
MissNTrope
Junior Member
since 07-29-99
Posts 49


5 posted 08-06-99 10:11 PM       View Profile for MissNTrope   Edit/Delete Message     View IP for MissNTrope

All righty then - Which syllable can we do without in the last line to make it a haiku? It is about nature, after all...
Lil-bit
Junior Member
since 08-03-99
Posts 29
Tallahassee, Florida


6 posted 08-06-99 11:24 PM       View Profile for Lil-bit   Email Lil-bit   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Lil-bit

Well, there is somthing to be said for an old woman bathing! However, I can honestly vouch for the fact that NOT all old (age 42) women sag. The idea of skinny-dipping sounds great though!

I love the picturesque description. I can actually envision it. Oh what a sight.

INclan
Senior Member
since 07-20-99
Posts 1046
Indiana, USA


7 posted 08-07-99 11:12 PM       View Profile for INclan   Email INclan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for INclan

Thank you all for your replies. In fact it is a haiku, even thought the syllable count isn't exactly correct. In defense of myself, I have see Japanese haiku where the syllable count was not 5-7-5. I like this form of poetry and will work to improve.
Sue
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since 08-04-99
Posts 407
France


8 posted 08-08-99 09:13 AM       View Profile for Sue   Email Sue   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sue

If you want to be purist, you could leave out the "the" in the last line, but I thought it was fantastic anyway!
INclan
Senior Member
since 07-20-99
Posts 1046
Indiana, USA


9 posted 08-08-99 09:16 AM       View Profile for INclan   Email INclan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for INclan

Thank you, Sue. You are correct about the last line. Others have noted the same. I have considered changing the last line to:

Time and gravity

what do you think?

INclan
mia
Member
since 07-06-99
Posts 120


10 posted 08-08-99 09:31 AM       View Profile for mia   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for mia

I like it just the way it is. Since I'm still asleep right now... I had to read it over and over before my brain kicked in...
You captured a lot in three lines...

mia
aziza
Member Elite
since 07-09-2006
Posts 3000
Lumpy Oatmeal makes me Crazy!


11 posted 06-04-2007 03:37 AM       View Profile for aziza   Email aziza   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for aziza

I just saw the old woman, body sagging .. thinking she was alone, but her privacy only in her mind.

A
Artic Wind
Member Rara Avis
since 09-16-2007
Posts 8075
Realm of Supernatural


12 posted 11-12-2007 09:00 PM       View Profile for Artic Wind   Email Artic Wind   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Artic Wind

Enjoyed

ARCTIC WIND
 
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