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Open Poetry #1
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Old Woman
| Open Poetry #1 |
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Old Woman |
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INclan Senior Member
since 1999-07-20
Posts 1024Indiana, USA |
...Old woman bathing Her cloths adorn the bushes The force of gravity |
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| © Copyright 1999 KKunnen - All Rights Reserved | |||
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LngJhnAg Member Elite
since 1999-07-23
Posts 3508Boot+Kitty=Poetry in motion |
You know what, INclan? This was a really, really neat three lines. For me, it was like the optical illusion of the old woman and the young maid. You can see them both, but not at the same time. When I first read it, I thought it was like a peep show, the gravity making the clothes fall from the bushes to reveal the woman bathing. Then, I thought of what gravity does to most endowed women, and I forgot about the clothes on the bushes and thought instead of what the woman looked like, with her breasts sagging. This was a really compact three lines of imagery. Great job! neat! |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
Unlike LJA's response... which wasn't compact at all! LOL. Thanks, LJA... I really needed that image of sag to take with me into the weekend... NOT! LOL |
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INclan Senior Member
since 1999-07-20
Posts 1024Indiana, USA |
LngJhnAg, You honor me with understanding. I am in your debt. INclan |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Inclan...those three lines paint quite a picture. ------------------ "Nobody has measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold" ~Zelda Fitzgerald |
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MissNTrope Junior Member
since 1999-07-29
Posts 43 |
All righty then - Which syllable can we do without in the last line to make it a haiku? It is about nature, after all...  |
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Lil-bit Junior Member
since 1999-08-03
Posts 29Tallahassee, Florida |
Well, there is somthing to be said for an old woman bathing! However, I can honestly vouch for the fact that NOT all old (age 42) women sag. The idea of skinny-dipping sounds great though! I love the picturesque description. I can actually envision it. Oh what a sight. |
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INclan Senior Member
since 1999-07-20
Posts 1024Indiana, USA |
Thank you all for your replies. In fact it is a haiku, even thought the syllable count isn't exactly correct. In defense of myself, I have see Japanese haiku where the syllable count was not 5-7-5. I like this form of poetry and will work to improve. |
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Sue Member
since 1999-08-04
Posts 383France |
If you want to be purist, you could leave out the "the" in the last line, but I thought it was fantastic anyway! |
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INclan Senior Member
since 1999-07-20
Posts 1024Indiana, USA |
Thank you, Sue. You are correct about the last line. Others have noted the same. I have considered changing the last line to: Time and gravity what do you think? INclan |
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mia Member
since 1999-07-06
Posts 118 |
I like it just the way it is. Since I'm still asleep right now... I had to read it over and over before my brain kicked in... You captured a lot in three lines... mia |
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aziza Member Elite
since 2006-07-09
Posts 2995Lumpy Oatmeal makes me Crazy! |
I just saw the old woman, body sagging .. thinking she was alone, but her privacy only in her mind. A |
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Artic Wind Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 8080Realm of Supernatural |
Enjoyed ARCTIC WIND |
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