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Passions in Poetry

LngJhnAg's Gas Absentes

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Toerag
Member Ascendant
since 07-29-99
Posts 5839
Ala bam a


0 posted 08-06-99 11:04 AM       View Profile for Toerag   Email Toerag   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Toerag

LongJohn couldn't fart or burp,
You'd think; "No big deal? What's it hurt?
He'd be okay?" But sadly "no,"
This wasn't really always so.

Now it's true a good loud burp,
Or a fart that rocks and shakes the earth,
Does in fact in no small measure,
Bring satisfying gastric pleasure.

This strange complaint called 'Gas Absentes'
Is not a state to please the senses
And occasions many-there were such,
That plagued old LongJohn very much.

Sometimes at Hooter's he'd drink too much,
And want to pass some bubbles up
Because of course he was without
A way to get the gases out.

No pills or potions or medicament
Relieved or cured this strange predicament,
And so, although his means were scant,
He went to have a weird transplant.

Now burp/fart transplants are new,
Complex and difficult to do,
A very curious operation,
Requiring skill and concentration.

Donors too are very rare,
Rarely is there one who cares.
But they found a donor who,
Could spare him some cause he had two.

The surgeon's knife was deft and sharp,
And yet it's function failed in part,
For with the operation through,
Longjohn could burp but couldn't "poot."

A very odd-ball situation,
Requiring swift rectification,
Cuz someday he could "blow apart"
If he could burp but could not fart.

But finally, for they were clever,
The doctors put their heads together
And when LongJohn woke from surgery,
He burped and farted gleefully.

Now while the surgeons thought this grand,
What they failed to understand,
Was that his farting wouldn't stop,
Why he was farting 'round the clock!

And so the surgeons then conferred,
And found out just where they had erred.
Passing gas without remission,
Or not at all, was the position.

Before LongJohn could give his voice,
To tell them what would be his choice,
That day his transplant was rejected,
Left him bloated and dejected.

It would be nice to tell that he
Passes gas like you and me,
But life's not always as we wish,
And that's one pleasure we won't miss!

© Copyright 1999 Toerag - All Rights Reserved
suthern
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Seraphic
since 07-29-99
Posts 20770
on the threshold of a dream


1 posted 08-06-99 11:22 AM       View Profile for suthern   Email suthern   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for suthern

ROFLMAO!!! Excellent job, Toe!!! As soon as I can catch my breath (had to hold it around LJA yanno!) I'll go order some sympathy flowers for Lorelei! LOL
Nicole
Senior Member
since 06-23-99
Posts 1896
Florida


2 posted 08-06-99 12:51 PM       View Profile for Nicole   Email Nicole   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Nicole

Oh Toe, well done!! LOL And Lorelei, I am so so so sorry. Poor LJA....LOL

------------------
"Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with." *Mark Twain*
LngJhnAg
Member Elite
since 07-23-99
Posts 3654
Boot+Kitty=Poetry in motion


3 posted 08-06-99 02:49 PM       View Profile for LngJhnAg   Email LngJhnAg   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for LngJhnAg

Toe (you dirty rotten scalawag!)

May this poem be known as your swan song.
I've been kicked around way too long.
My patience has been snapped in two.
I'll get you if its the last thing I do.

I'll carefully plan my revenge to suit,
Your punishment, long overdue.
You'll rue the day your pen stabbed me,
At long last, you rascal, I will be free.

Boiling oil would be a tad too mild,
Skinning alive too fast for my style.
The rack, I think, will nicely do.
When you say? When my laughing's through.


yanno, Toerag - that was a great poem - I am in awe of your progeny (hey! a malaproprism! Honest. I knew that.).
suthern
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Seraphic
since 07-29-99
Posts 20770
on the threshold of a dream


4 posted 08-06-99 03:20 PM       View Profile for suthern   Email suthern   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for suthern

LJA: You smelly ole seadog... you know darn well you wouldn't harm a hair on his head... you two enjoy each other far too much! LOL (But your threats sounded good... even if they lacked authenticity! *G*) By the way... if you have any extra of that patience schtuff, could you share with Toe? *G*

Toerag: My feet are propped up, I've got an ice chest full of cold brew... I'm ready for the next round. *G*
Toerag
Member Ascendant
since 07-29-99
Posts 5839
Ala bam a


5 posted 08-06-99 03:23 PM       View Profile for Toerag   Email Toerag   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Toerag

There ya go with them big words again....Let me just go pull out my Websters and see what the hell you just said....
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 06-05-99
Posts 26302
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA


6 posted 08-06-99 08:51 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Long John, I am really mad!
I feel like I've been really had.
You told me with that cute one-liner
That you wuz the gal at the Diner
But you didn't tell me I'd been kissed
By some small, two-bit flatulist!!
 
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