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Passions in Poetry

My Cell- can you give me some feedback?

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angel girl
Member
since 07-23-99
Posts 329
within a whisper...


0 posted 07-29-99 07:22 AM       View Profile for angel girl   Email angel girl   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for angel girl

What is Joy?
What is Peace?
I know Sorrow.
I know Grief.
Pain and Suffering-
They are Hell.
They are my cell-
Where I dwell.
They hold me inside these walls
And all the while the outside calls.
Wanting me to live my life-
Never-mind my toil and strife.
And so I listen with a sigh-
As the world rushes by.

------------------
The world is in your hands; it is what you make of it.

keep on chuggin'



© Copyright 1999 Liz - All Rights Reserved
hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 07-05-99
Posts 11105
Glen Hope, PA USA


1 posted 07-29-99 09:34 AM       View Profile for hoot_owl_rn   Email hoot_owl_rn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit hoot_owl_rn's Home Page   View IP for hoot_owl_rn

Angel Girl...I would make the following suggestion to improve the flow of this one dramatictly. You started with one rythym and ended with another and I do not know about anyone else, but it threw me the reader off.
try changing this:

"They hold me inside these walls
And all the while the outside calls.
Wanting me to live my life-
Never-mind my toil and strife.
And so I listen with a sigh-
As the world rushes by."

to this:

They hold me deep
inside these walls
And all the while
the outside calls.
Wanting me
to live my life-
Never-mind
my toil and strife.
And so I listen
and with a sigh-
mourn the world
that rushes by.

I do believe you will find this flow to be a much smoother one. Otherwise, well written!


------------------
"Nobody has measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold" ~Zelda Fitzgerald
Delores Hall
Member
since 07-16-99
Posts 358
USA


2 posted 07-29-99 09:46 AM       View Profile for Delores Hall   Email Delores Hall   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Delores Hall

I liked this.Happy writing.
angel girl
Member
since 07-23-99
Posts 329
within a whisper...


3 posted 07-30-99 03:35 AM       View Profile for angel girl   Email angel girl   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for angel girl

thank you both for your comments.

------------------
The world is in your hands; it is what you make of it.

keep on chuggin'
angel girl will be notified of replies
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