My Cell- can you give me some feedback?

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Open Poetry #1

My Cell- can you give me some feedback?

angel girl
Member

since 1999-07-23

Posts 322
within a whisper...

0 posted 1999-07-29 07:22 AM

What is Joy?
What is Peace?
I know Sorrow.
I know Grief.
Pain and Suffering-
They are Hell.
They are my cell-
Where I dwell.
They hold me inside these walls
And all the while the outside calls.
Wanting me to live my life-
Never-mind my toil and strife.
And so I listen with a sigh-
As the world rushes by.

------------------
The world is in your hands; it is what you make of it.

keep on chuggin'

hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius

since 1999-07-05

Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA

1 posted 1999-07-29 09:34 AM

Angel Girl...I would make the following suggestion to improve the flow of this one dramatictly. You started with one rythym and ended with another and I do not know about anyone else, but it threw me the reader off.
try changing this:

"They hold me inside these walls
And all the while the outside calls.
Wanting me to live my life-
Never-mind my toil and strife.
And so I listen with a sigh-
As the world rushes by."

to this:

They hold me deep
inside these walls
And all the while
the outside calls.
Wanting me
to live my life-
Never-mind
my toil and strife.
And so I listen
and with a sigh-
mourn the world
that rushes by.

I do believe you will find this flow to be a much smoother one. Otherwise, well written!

------------------
"Nobody has measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold" ~Zelda Fitzgerald

Delores Hall
Member

since 1999-07-16

Posts 342
USA

2 posted 1999-07-29 09:46 AM

I liked this.Happy writing.

angel girl
Member

since 1999-07-23

Posts 322
within a whisper...

3 posted 1999-07-30 03:35 AM

thank you both for your comments.

------------------
The world is in your hands; it is what you make of it.

keep on chuggin'

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