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Passions in Poetry

Hungry Child

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poetFemmeFatale
Member Elite
since 07-25-99
Posts 2961
Arkansas


0 posted 07-25-99 11:51 PM       View Profile for poetFemmeFatale   Email poetFemmeFatale   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for poetFemmeFatale

My hunger for your love -
Is like that of a child...
Whose hollow eyes & tear-stained face
Are begging - savage - wild.

His belly swollen - empty -
He cries himself to sleep...
And prays tonight for angels
To come take his soul to keep.

This little child lives within -
My heart - my mind - my soul...
If you never give your love to me
I'll never become whole.

I will wander thru this life -
Hollow hopes & tear-stained dreams...
-Hush- and listen carefully
You'll hear a child's silent screams.......


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- poet FemmeFatale

"The strongest man in the world is he who stands most alone..." Henrik Ibsen (1826-1906) Norwegian dramatist lyric poet

© Copyright 1999 Gennifer David - All Rights Reserved
Alwye
Moderator
Member Elite
since 06-16-99
Posts 3968
In the space between moments


1 posted 07-26-99 12:05 AM       View Profile for Alwye   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alwye

So painfully vivid...I really like this, poetFemmeFatale. Wonderful!

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*Krista Knutson*

"It's a crazy thing, fate has perfect wings..."-Deanna Carter
poetFemmeFatale
Member Elite
since 07-25-99
Posts 2961
Arkansas


2 posted 07-29-99 01:09 AM       View Profile for poetFemmeFatale   Email poetFemmeFatale   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for poetFemmeFatale

If you guys could, could you slaughter this one for me and let me know how I could improve ??

------------------
- poet FemmeFatale

"The strongest man in the world is he who stands most alone..." Henrik Ibsen (1826-1906) Norwegian dramatist lyric poet

elvira
Senior Member
since 07-06-99
Posts 985
California


3 posted 07-29-99 01:24 AM       View Profile for elvira   Email elvira   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for elvira

i am sure, most of us do not even know the feeling of true physical hunger; to the hunger of the soul, however, i am sure many can relate...try posting in the "critical analysis" forum on this site...there are some excellent poets here, always willing to lend a hand

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one night at the airport...Childhood Memories...eight short weeks...Music to my Ears...your countenance...just watching tv...hoarse whispers...My One and Only...Tribute to M.J....Feel the need?...serving wench...a little girl...the mistress...stolen hours...Perfection...07-20-69...devotion...
Master...apart...plain...chat?
Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 07-17-99
Posts 8273


4 posted 07-29-99 03:06 AM       View Profile for Severn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Severn

Hi - I'm back! This is a great poem. I find it hard to write in a verse structure, generally. You asked for slaughtering - there's not much to slaughter, but I would be conscious of repitition, eg 'never' is used twice in the 3rd stanza. I try to use repitition only if it's a noun or adjective that carries a particular image or I want greater emphasis. Conversely, I think your repitition of 'tear-stained' in the 1st and 4th stanzas is a good example of linking images. Love the first verse, it really flows. And reading it aloud I find that if you omit 'come' from the last line of the second verse it flows a wee bit more. One more thing, 'I will' in the 1st line, 4th stanza doesn't seem to fit the tense of the whole poem. Maybe 'I'm wandering...'?
Those are just my thoughts - my best friend and I constantly critique each other's work, so I'm accustomed to not pulling punches, so I hope I don't sound harsh! I do love the whole concept of your poem - one of my favourites from you. (Gee, this is long!)
Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 07-17-99
Posts 8273


5 posted 07-29-99 03:07 AM       View Profile for Severn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Severn

Hi - I'm back! This is a great poem. I find it hard to write in a verse structure, generally. You asked for slaughtering - there's not much to slaughter, but I would be conscious of repitition, eg 'never' is used twice in the 3rd stanza. I try to use repitition only if it's a noun or adjective that carries a particular image or I want greater emphasis. Conversely, I think your repitition of 'tear-stained' in the 1st and 4th stanzas is a good example of linking images. Love the first verse, it really flows. And reading it aloud I find that if you omit 'come' from the last line of the second verse it flows a wee bit more. One more thing, 'I will' in the 1st line, 4th stanza doesn't seem to fit the tense of the whole poem. Maybe 'I'm wandering...'?
Those are just my thoughts - my best friend and I constantly critique each other's work, so I'm accustomed to not pulling punches, so I hope I don't sound harsh! I do love the whole concept of your poem - one of my favourites from you. (Gee, this is long!)
hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 07-05-99
Posts 11105
Glen Hope, PA USA


6 posted 07-29-99 09:42 AM       View Profile for hoot_owl_rn   Email hoot_owl_rn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit hoot_owl_rn's Home Page   View IP for hoot_owl_rn

Poet...you do wonderful work!

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"Nobody has measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold" ~Zelda Fitzgerald
Elizabeth
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 06-07-99
Posts 7296
America the beautiful


7 posted 07-29-99 01:33 PM       View Profile for Elizabeth   Email Elizabeth   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Elizabeth's Home Page   View IP for Elizabeth

Well, since you asked for critique, I think in the last two lines of the 2nd verse, it would flow better if you said something like: And begs of all the angels,
"Come, take my soul to keep!" Or something along the lines of that. Then in the 3rd verse, how about, "If you won't give your love to me, I'll never become whole."

Sorry, didn't mean to rip it to bits. Other than that, this is a wonderful poem that I can really relate to. It well describes a situation I have been placed in. *sigh*
Toerag
Member Ascendant
since 07-29-99
Posts 5839
Ala bam a


8 posted 07-29-99 01:38 PM       View Profile for Toerag   Email Toerag   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Toerag

Very thought provoking indeed.....vivid and so descriptive!.....I liked it much sweets!
WhtDove
Member Rara Avis
since 07-22-99
Posts 9561
Illinois


9 posted 07-29-99 05:10 PM       View Profile for WhtDove   Email WhtDove   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit WhtDove's Home Page   View IP for WhtDove

I think you have done a wonderful job here. It's nice to have other's opinions isn't it?
Great work! P.S. thanks for your comment.
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