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Passions in Poetry

Eyes 00

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Sundance
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since 07-11-99
Posts 124


0 posted 07-20-99 01:32 PM       View Profile for Sundance   Email Sundance   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Sundance

(thanks to Artur, your suggestions r always welcome! )

Thou look at me from different eyes,
than when I saw thee last.
Because when last I saw thee,
We had a blast!

Your eyes have changed fron gaiety,
many other things different,
They are cloudy and changed,
although they are still reverent.

Where did those happy eyes go?
They were a sight to see,
Parties were attended,
Why did thee do that to me?

Although those eyes are now gone,
I still love thee,
for as thou art,
you mean the world to me.

[This message has been edited by Sundance (edited 07-20-99).]

[This message has been edited by Sundance (edited 07-21-99).]

[This message has been edited by Sundance (edited 07-21-99).]

[This message has been edited by Sundance (edited 07-21-99).]

[This message has been edited by Sundance (edited 07-21-99).]
© Copyright 1999 Sundance - All Rights Reserved
Sundance
Member
since 07-11-99
Posts 124


1 posted 07-20-99 09:10 PM       View Profile for Sundance   Email Sundance   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sundance

Please, give me some feedback, I really need it!!!

Ohme
Senior Member
since 07-17-99
Posts 831
Texas


2 posted 07-20-99 09:14 PM       View Profile for Ohme   Email Ohme   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Ohme

I Like it Sundance. Only thing I would do different is not use the word you and the word thee in the same poem.
Like the subject, like the poem
Sundance
Member
since 07-11-99
Posts 124


3 posted 07-20-99 09:24 PM       View Profile for Sundance   Email Sundance   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sundance

Thanks for the suggestion, I'll do that!



[This message has been edited by Sundance (edited 07-20-99).]
Sundance
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since 07-11-99
Posts 124


4 posted 07-20-99 09:35 PM       View Profile for Sundance   Email Sundance   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sundance

Anyone else?

Artur Hawkwing
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since 06-30-99
Posts 443
USA


5 posted 07-20-99 10:32 PM       View Profile for Artur Hawkwing   Email Artur Hawkwing   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Artur Hawkwing

Hehe second to last line, how about converting "you are" to "thou art"? Let's see how that works.
It'd be even cool to see the last line "you" changed to "thou".
I still wonder if "mean" can be changed to anything to suit the "thou", though.
Sundance
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since 07-11-99
Posts 124


6 posted 07-21-99 02:37 PM       View Profile for Sundance   Email Sundance   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sundance

Thanks, I'll try your suggestion!

Artur Hawkwing
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since 06-30-99
Posts 443
USA


7 posted 07-21-99 03:29 PM       View Profile for Artur Hawkwing   Email Artur Hawkwing   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Artur Hawkwing

Come on, how about including "art"? and ... thou is like "you" where you say "mean" instead of "means"..... am I going crazy or what?

Sundance
Member
since 07-11-99
Posts 124


8 posted 07-21-99 09:28 PM       View Profile for Sundance   Email Sundance   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sundance

Thanks, I'll try yet another suggestion! Hehehe

Sundance
Member
since 07-11-99
Posts 124


9 posted 07-21-99 09:43 PM       View Profile for Sundance   Email Sundance   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sundance

Anyone else?

Artur Hawkwing
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since 06-30-99
Posts 443
USA


10 posted 07-21-99 10:36 PM       View Profile for Artur Hawkwing   Email Artur Hawkwing   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Artur Hawkwing

Sundance
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since 07-11-99
Posts 124


11 posted 07-22-99 08:27 PM       View Profile for Sundance   Email Sundance   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sundance

Thanks!

 
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