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Sundance
Member

since 1999-07-11

Posts 123

0 posted 1999-07-20 01:32 PM

(thanks to Artur, your suggestions r always welcome!

)

Thou look at me from different eyes,
than when I saw thee last.
Because when last I saw thee,
We had a blast!

Your eyes have changed fron gaiety,
many other things different,
They are cloudy and changed,
although they are still reverent.

Where did those happy eyes go?
They were a sight to see,
Parties were attended,
Why did thee do that to me?

Although those eyes are now gone,
I still love thee,
for as thou art,
you mean the world to me.

[This message has been edited by Sundance (edited 07-20-99).]

[This message has been edited by Sundance (edited 07-21-99).]

[This message has been edited by Sundance (edited 07-21-99).]

[This message has been edited by Sundance (edited 07-21-99).]

[This message has been edited by Sundance (edited 07-21-99).]

Sundance
Member

since 1999-07-11

Posts 123

1 posted 1999-07-20 09:10 PM

Please, give me some feedback, I really need it!!!

Ohme
Senior Member

since 1999-07-17

Posts 816
Texas

2 posted 1999-07-20 09:14 PM

I Like it Sundance. Only thing I would do different is not use the word you and the word thee in the same poem.
Like the subject, like the poem

Sundance
Member

since 1999-07-11

Posts 123

3 posted 1999-07-20 09:24 PM

Thanks for the suggestion, I'll do that!

[This message has been edited by Sundance (edited 07-20-99).]

Sundance
Member

since 1999-07-11

Posts 123

4 posted 1999-07-20 09:35 PM

Anyone else?

Artur Hawkwing
Member

since 1999-06-30

Posts 444
USA

5 posted 1999-07-20 10:32 PM

Hehe second to last line, how about converting "you are" to "thou art"? Let's see how that works.
It'd be even cool to see the last line "you" changed to "thou".
I still wonder if "mean" can be changed to anything to suit the "thou", though.

Sundance
Member

since 1999-07-11

Posts 123

6 posted 1999-07-21 02:37 PM

Thanks, I'll try your suggestion!

Artur Hawkwing
Member

since 1999-06-30

Posts 444
USA

7 posted 1999-07-21 03:29 PM

Come on, how about including "art"? and ... thou is like "you" where you say "mean" instead of "means"..... am I going crazy or what?

Sundance
Member

since 1999-07-11

Posts 123

8 posted 1999-07-21 09:28 PM

Thanks, I'll try yet another suggestion! Hehehe

Sundance
Member

since 1999-07-11

Posts 123

9 posted 1999-07-21 09:43 PM

Anyone else?

Artur Hawkwing
Member

since 1999-06-30

Posts 444
USA

10 posted 1999-07-21 10:36 PM

Sundance
Member

since 1999-07-11

Posts 123

11 posted 1999-07-22 08:27 PM

Thanks!

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