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Passions in Poetry

Crap

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JP
Senior Member
since 05-25-99
Posts 1391
Loomis, CA


0 posted 07-20-99 02:59 AM       View Profile for JP   Email JP   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit JP's Home Page   View IP for JP

I take it back,
everything I've writ,
tho' well intentioned,
it's only shit.

His rhyme is forced,
his metaphor sucks.
his pull on pathos
barely plucks.

My own device
pales by compare
I cannot write
the poetic fare.

Artists be warned
when exposed as I
hide thy work
or willingly die.
© Copyright 1999 JP Burns - All Rights Reserved
Ron
Administrator
Member Rara Avis
since 05-19-99
Posts 9708
Michigan, US


1 posted 07-20-99 05:09 AM       View Profile for Ron   Email Ron   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Ron's Home Page   View IP for Ron

Hehe. Have you ever heard of Sturgeon's Law, JP?

I think there would be a lot less crap, poetic and otherwise, if we could all look at our work with a more critical eye. We should all be our own worst critic, and avoid the deadly trap of falling in love with our own words. Only then can we learn...

Great job!
Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 05-26-99
Posts 25869
Hurricane Alley


2 posted 07-20-99 09:41 AM       View Profile for Poet deVine   Email Poet deVine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Poet deVine

I liked this although it's not your usual style. Sounds angry. I'm not sure I understand your meaning in the last stanza. Maybe you could enlighten me? Thanks.
Poetwheel
Member
since 07-07-99
Posts 215
Canada


3 posted 07-20-99 10:19 AM       View Profile for Poetwheel   Email Poetwheel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Poetwheel's Home Page   View IP for Poetwheel

Opinion: I don't like this one... (edit by Ron)
PW
A guy writes a poem titled "Crap" and you call it sarcasm for saying its aptly named? I said this with not one ounce of sarcasm... and I meant it.
PW
------------------
Poetic Wheelbarrow
http://www.stormloader.com/poetwheel/den.html

This is Ron: it's fine to not like a poem. It's fine to say so (and even fine to give no indication why). Sarcasm, however, is not fine.

[This message has been edited by rcarnell (edited 07-20-99).]

[This message has been edited by Poetwheel (edited 07-20-99).]
wayoutwalt
Member Ascendant
since 06-22-99
Posts 5106
TEXAS (it's all big)


4 posted 07-20-99 10:22 AM       View Profile for wayoutwalt   Email wayoutwalt   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for wayoutwalt

agree with mr wheel i do
Red Letter
Member
since 05-24-99
Posts 92
Allentown, PA


5 posted 07-20-99 02:59 PM       View Profile for Red Letter   Email Red Letter   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Red Letter

Now, now, JP... Anger does not suit you well.

As for your poem... hmmm... well... LOL... It's just not all that good - I know you can do better then that when you give it 5 minutes of thought!

Have a little faith, Sweetheart...
JP
Senior Member
since 05-25-99
Posts 1391
Loomis, CA


6 posted 07-21-99 11:27 AM       View Profile for JP   Email JP   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit JP's Home Page   View IP for JP

Overall, I thought the comments on this piece were well said (except for PW - didn't quite understand what was going on there.)

I knew the minute I posted that thing (actually during the hangover the next morning) that is was poor.... pretty good rhyme in spots though....

Thanks for the honest critiques everyone.
poetFemmeFatale
Member Elite
since 07-25-99
Posts 2961
Arkansas


7 posted 07-25-99 10:10 PM       View Profile for poetFemmeFatale   Email poetFemmeFatale   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for poetFemmeFatale

Well, considering you had a hang-over when you wrote this, I'd say it's pretty good! I liked it! It made me laugh! Haven't read too many poems that rhyme and use the word "shit" so well!! It's fun to write one occasionally that's a bit far-fetched from what we usually see!! Keep on writing when you're hung. (over) LOL

------------------
- poet FemmeFatale

"The strongest man in the world is he who stands most alone..." Henrik Ibsen (1826-1906) Norwegian dramatist lyric poet

JP
Senior Member
since 05-25-99
Posts 1391
Loomis, CA


8 posted 07-25-99 10:25 PM       View Profile for JP   Email JP   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit JP's Home Page   View IP for JP

If ever I was to write when I was hung, I would write nary a verse or song to be sung. I would pen, in submissive pose, words of rhyme and sensual prose.

r. baker33
Member
since 07-03-99
Posts 55
glen easton wv


9 posted 07-25-99 10:59 PM       View Profile for r. baker33   Email r. baker33   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit r. baker33's Home Page   View IP for r. baker33

I liked it. I laughed my A** off.
I can say it was different.
poetFemmeFatale
Member Elite
since 07-25-99
Posts 2961
Arkansas


10 posted 07-25-99 11:20 PM       View Profile for poetFemmeFatale   Email poetFemmeFatale   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for poetFemmeFatale

Jeeze Louise! I thought this thing was great!! It's not often you find a poem to make you laugh that rhymes good too - and not too many that have the word "shit" in them! That's talent man! This made me laugh...believe you me, I've felt the same way about my own writing!! Sometimes you just have to Force 'em to fit...mighty funny work to be written while you're hungover...

------------------
- poet FemmeFatale

"The strongest man in the world is he who stands most alone..." Henrik Ibsen (1826-1906) Norwegian dramatist lyric poet

JP
Senior Member
since 05-25-99
Posts 1391
Loomis, CA


11 posted 07-25-99 11:24 PM       View Profile for JP   Email JP   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit JP's Home Page   View IP for JP

Funny how my crudiest work gets the most attention.

------------------
Dum spiro, spero
JP


poetFemmeFatale
Member Elite
since 07-25-99
Posts 2961
Arkansas


12 posted 07-25-99 11:25 PM       View Profile for poetFemmeFatale   Email poetFemmeFatale   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for poetFemmeFatale

Hey I've commented on this one twice, and my replys haven't shown on the screen !! I feel I'm being cheated! LOL I think this is a great poem - You used such "colorful" terms and made me laugh!!

------------------
- poet FemmeFatale

"The strongest man in the world is he who stands most alone..." Henrik Ibsen (1826-1906) Norwegian dramatist lyric poet

poetFemmeFatale
Member Elite
since 07-25-99
Posts 2961
Arkansas


13 posted 07-25-99 11:40 PM       View Profile for poetFemmeFatale   Email poetFemmeFatale   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for poetFemmeFatale

Okay, so I'm too old to be up this late !! I thought you weren't getting my comments on this one, but I simply hadn't "backed out" far enough for everything to "roll over." Now you have a grand total of 4 messages from me on this!! LOL

------------------
- poet FemmeFatale

"The strongest man in the world is he who stands most alone..." Henrik Ibsen (1826-1906) Norwegian dramatist lyric poet

 
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