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Passions in Poetry

Rain

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Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 07-17-99
Posts 8273


0 posted 07-18-99 07:23 PM       View Profile for Severn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Severn

I've just combed the cold wet
rain through my long hair.
It feels longer somehow
as if the rain had fingers
which pulled my strands like
spaghetti through a sieve.
I'm alone now, underneath
the edge of a thundering sky,
alone and cold
and feeling somehow lost.
This is all there is, this moment
no welcome gift of sunlit heat
just cold and waiting. Waiting
and rain-damp longer hair.
© Copyright 1999 Kamla Mahony - All Rights Reserved
Saxoness
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 07-18-99
Posts 1176
Texas


1 posted 07-18-99 07:39 PM       View Profile for Saxoness   Email Saxoness   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Saxoness

very nice way to capture a moment in time......however, your word use of spaghetti gave me the distinct impression that you couldn't find a better word to fit......it went from a solitary figure in the rain....to a plate of spaghetti. It loses the focus of the poems flow. Just a thought!
Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 07-17-99
Posts 8273


2 posted 07-18-99 07:48 PM       View Profile for Severn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Severn

Yeah, see your point. What's a better image I wonder? Suggestions? The poem is meant to capture a moment in time where the subject (could be confessionalist!) is acutely aware of physical and emotional sensations.
~one voice~
Senior Member
since 07-08-99
Posts 668
Billings, MT USA


3 posted 07-18-99 07:51 PM       View Profile for ~one voice~   Email ~one voice~   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ~one voice~

Severn, I like the use of the spaghetti...gives it an honest feeling...I felt like I was there with you...waiting in the rain with longer hair! ~one voice~
Starfish
Junior Member
since 07-20-99
Posts 35
New Zealand


4 posted 07-20-99 07:08 AM       View Profile for Starfish   Email Starfish   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Starfish

Great poem, look for me by the sea,friend.
 
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