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Rain
| Open Poetry #1 |
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Rain |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704
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I've just combed the cold wet rain through my long hair. It feels longer somehow as if the rain had fingers which pulled my strands like spaghetti through a sieve. I'm alone now, underneath the edge of a thundering sky, alone and cold and feeling somehow lost. This is all there is, this moment no welcome gift of sunlit heat just cold and waiting. Waiting and rain-damp longer hair. |
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| © Copyright 1999 Kamla Mahony - All Rights Reserved | |||
Saxoness
since 1999-07-18
Posts 1102Texas |
very nice way to capture a moment in time......however, your word use of spaghetti gave me the distinct impression that you couldn't find a better word to fit......it went from a solitary figure in the rain....to a plate of spaghetti. It loses the focus of the poems flow. Just a thought! |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Yeah, see your point. What's a better image I wonder? Suggestions? The poem is meant to capture a moment in time where the subject (could be confessionalist!) is acutely aware of physical and emotional sensations. |
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~one voice~ Senior Member
since 1999-07-08
Posts 664Billings, MT USA |
Severn, I like the use of the spaghetti...gives it an honest feeling...I felt like I was there with you...waiting in the rain with longer hair!  ~one voice~ |
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Starfish Junior Member
since 1999-07-20
Posts 34New Zealand |
Great poem, look for me by the sea,friend. |
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