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Passions in Poetry

Forgive me love (I would love some feedback!)

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blueloon
Member
since 07-07-99
Posts 166
NY


0 posted 07-17-99 09:47 AM       View Profile for blueloon   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for blueloon

(just as a warning, I wrote this because I was the "love")

Forgive me love, I've touched anothers hand,cheak and lips.
So soft they pressed against mine.
I pushed away or so I thought.
I only coaxed her farther.

Forgive me love, for playing.
Playing as if I won.
I think I've won some freedom
coming back to touch you.

Forgive me love, I need to wander.
Wander to another only to keep
my love for you.
She always pushes me back.

Forgive me love, I just wanted the thrill.
The thrill of that first kiss.
She doesn't compare, But...
I do love her hands.

Forgive me lust, I have to go back.
The familiar hands and same ole place
to rest.
She strokes my head followed by her warmth.

Forgive me lust, I want you tonight.
I want my eyes locked in on your light.
I 'll hear the music till you say...
"you can come over."

Forgive me lust, for the fight.
The fight of pain that aches in her
heart.

Forgive me lust, that I want you for use.

Forgive me love?
© Copyright 1999 blueloon - All Rights Reserved
fjones
Member
since 06-07-99
Posts 101
MS


1 posted 07-17-99 10:05 AM       View Profile for fjones   Email fjones   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for fjones

You have hit upon a good topic and I like the lines "Forgive me love, forgive me lust"
I think I am following who is who
But It is a little confusing in are few verses. You seem to be speaking of both lovers but I can not idenify which is which.
Also there is a couple of lines that could be better.-So soft they pressed aganist mine
Maybe -So soft as they press aganist mine
I don't understand the second and third verses.

Just some feedback!
Delores Hall
Member
since 07-16-99
Posts 358
USA


2 posted 07-17-99 03:21 PM       View Profile for Delores Hall   Email Delores Hall   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Delores Hall

The words are good but you need to put it in
better context. Keep writing.
Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 05-26-99
Posts 25869
Hurricane Alley


3 posted 07-17-99 03:29 PM       View Profile for Poet deVine   Email Poet deVine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Poet deVine

There are many ways to write poetry. One is to just write some words in stanzas and hope all is well.

Another way, which is more time-consuming is this: Write down what you want to say. Then actually read the poem out loud to yourself. Do you have a rhythm? Do you have a rhyme scheme (if you're trying for free verse, forget that part).

Now, look at the words. Are you using words that have been used time and time again (moon, June, honeymoon type words). If you are, grab your dictionary or a thesaurus. Look up the word that needs to be replaced,finding something similar. Then if you need to rhyme that word but can't think of anything, grab your rhyming dictionary and look through that.

Rewrite your poem. Read it out loud. Does it flow? Does it have rhythm?

Are you using the correct tense? Past or present? Are you writing from your viewpoint or someone else's, make it consistant throughout the poem.

Check your spelling. Nothing detracts from a poem like poor spelling! (I am also a fan of puntuation and proper capitalization!).

After you've done all this. Read it out loud. Ok? Now, save your poem. Now, you can post it!

You have potential. Keep trying!


[This message has been edited by Poet deVine (edited 07-17-99).]
 
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