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Passions in Poetry

hospital beds

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mia
Member
since 07-06-99
Posts 120


0 posted 07-16-99 07:59 AM       View Profile for mia   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for mia


every souls pain
displayed in the glass cages
that have become their eyes
pathes of dried tears
cried from a sea of sickness
last rights
offered by unfeeling priests
who have long ago
forgotten their creator
lost fights
fought by living dead
withering away
under the watcheful eyes
of loved ones
hospital beds
like silent graves
take them away,
one by one
for they hurt
and life will not forgive
their innocence
sorrows become hollow
sirens rage the night
and another body
swallows dust




[This message has been edited by mia (edited 07-16-99).]
© Copyright 1999 mia - All Rights Reserved
justin
New Member
since 07-13-99
Posts 7
Pittsburgh, PA USA


1 posted 07-16-99 09:46 AM       View Profile for justin   Email justin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for justin

Wow. Powerful topic and powerfully written. A couple suggestions, though: fix the typos :-), and I'm not sure if "becomes" is right in the last line. I's too passive, too commonplace. I think the line would be more powerful if it were a bit more descriptive. All you need is a better verb. Otherwise, excellent. Hmm. "And another one" is also a bit vague. Perhaps use another word for "one?" Hope it's helpful! :-)
mia
Member
since 07-06-99
Posts 120


2 posted 07-16-99 10:36 AM       View Profile for mia   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for mia

Thanks Justin for the tips. A few things... Sorry about the typos ( I know that that gets on alot of people's nerves). I apologise to everyone my only excuse is that i'm french and i'm not the best english speller. Things don't always come out right in english either. But thanks for the tips and I'll try harder to spell better.
I wrote this last night at the hospital... i really don't like hospitals... they are like lively graves.

mia
 
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