every souls pain displayed in the glass cages that have become their eyes pathes of dried tears cried from a sea of sickness last rights offered by unfeeling priests who have long ago forgotten their creator lost fights fought by living dead withering away under the watcheful eyes of loved ones hospital beds like silent graves take them away, one by one for they hurt and life will not forgive their innocence sorrows become hollow sirens rage the night and another body swallows dust
[This message has been edited by mia (edited 07-16-99).]
Wow. Powerful topic and powerfully written. A couple suggestions, though: fix the typos :-), and I'm not sure if "becomes" is right in the last line. I's too passive, too commonplace. I think the line would be more powerful if it were a bit more descriptive. All you need is a better verb. Otherwise, excellent. Hmm. "And another one" is also a bit vague. Perhaps use another word for "one?" Hope it's helpful! :-)
Thanks Justin for the tips. A few things... Sorry about the typos ( I know that that gets on alot of people's nerves). I apologise to everyone my only excuse is that i'm french and i'm not the best english speller. Things don't always come out right in english either. But thanks for the tips and I'll try harder to spell better. I wrote this last night at the hospital... i really don't like hospitals... they are like lively graves.