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Passions in Poetry

Tables: Driving Drunk

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Masked Intruder
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since 05-23-99
Posts 1412
Near golden sunsets


0 posted 07-14-99 12:57 AM       View Profile for Masked Intruder   Email Masked Intruder   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Masked Intruder

One times one

The clock ticks the hour on the wall,
It's lusty dong marking the end
Of my long shift, my daily duel.

One times two

I dispatch myself from the whitecollared workplace
Along a city street not quite empty
For something more sanguine, more involved.
I discover laughter,
A deep throbbing beat that shakes a city block,
And a brisk smooth drink
That lightens my senses
And overloads my memory
With nothing more than this fuzzy sensation.

Two times three

I stumble blatantly out into dawning sunlight.
Sharp pains darting through my iris,
Straight through my retina,
On through my brain,
And into the beating,
Pulsating,
Rhythmic torture
In the back of my head.

Three times four

I'm counting two more fingers than I should have
Looking through them as I focus in front of them

Four times five

As the minutes tick
While I drive completely without error
Down that not so empty city street

Five times six

Those years disappear
As I take them one by one
From someone who worked hard to earn them,
Who loved them as dearly as her children.

Six times seven

Lonely years I spend in a concrete hell
Created by the people for the people.

Seven times eight

Lifetimes of regret and disdain
I hold heavily in my soul

Eight times nine

Hundreds of people whom I have hurt
More than myself;
Who watch me everyday,
Stare at me,
Point and laugh at me,
Mock me for what I truly am.

Nine times ten

Millions of lives I have yet to touch
As I struggle to tell them
What common sense should;
As I prevent one more life lost,
One less soul
Torchered by its own self inflicted pain.

Ten times forever

I will accept my fate of purgatory
And deny nothing to redeem myself.
© Copyright 1999 Philip Zemler - All Rights Reserved
justin
New Member
since 07-13-99
Posts 7
Pittsburgh, PA USA


1 posted 07-14-99 10:54 AM       View Profile for justin   Email justin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for justin

I love the runaway feel of the rhythm here, it's very fitting. It may start too early, though, Try to make the middle stanzas a bit longer and the ending ones a bit shorter? I think you want the poem to feel like it is spiraling away, careening into its end. Very good.
Sunshine
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Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart


2 posted 07-14-99 12:03 PM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

I would like you to explain to me the symbolism of the tables. At first I thought it would be the number of drinks taken to be drunk, then I thought it might revert to the number of people killed by the drunk driver. THEN I thought you might be ticking off this persons's years in prison due to his drunk driving. So, please explain, which is it, or just all of the above? Otherwise, good flow!

------------------
Sunshine

Words will always express our feelings true.
KRJ

Masked Intruder
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since 05-23-99
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Near golden sunsets


3 posted 07-15-99 12:28 AM       View Profile for Masked Intruder   Email Masked Intruder   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Masked Intruder

Certainly not a problem.

1x1=1 o'clock in the morning. work is over.

1x2=2 o'clock or so when the character is getting to/reaches the party, etc...

2x3=6 o'clock in the morning when the character leaves the party.

3x4=12 fingers. two more than i hope the character usually has.

4x5=20 minutes taken while driving, before the accident.

5x6=36 years that the character took away from his victim.

6x7=42 years in prison.

the rest is i hope self expanatory. if not...well, i'll tell you later.
 
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