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Passions in Poetry

Just one day

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tulip
Member
since 07-04-99
Posts 324
unknown


0 posted 07-09-99 04:11 PM       View Profile for tulip   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for tulip

If all I had was just one day
I'd spend the day with you.
I would find the words to say
and tell you "I love you".
I'd laugh, and cry, and knowing you,
You'd do the same to me.
We'd hold each other tenderly
Fulfilling every desire.
And then the memory we'd have
would hold forever true.
Just knowing that you returned my love
would last a lifetime through.
© Copyright 1999 tulip - All Rights Reserved
jfreak
Member
since 06-17-99
Posts 311
Yuma, AZ, USA


1 posted 07-10-99 02:55 AM       View Profile for jfreak   Email jfreak   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for jfreak

This a very beautiful poem. I just have one gripe about it. It is with the following lines:

I'd laugh, and cry, and knowing you,
You'd do the same to me.
We'd hold each other tenderly
Fulfilling every desire.

See these four lines are in the middle of your sonnet. But with these four lines you totally lose your rhyme scheme. You began your rhyme scheme then left it with these four lines and then returned to it. When you do that you throw the whole poem off and if this poem had been just a bit longer would have probably lost my attention. Another thing I might add is that you never want to start a new line and have end it with the same rhyme as the line before it unless your scheme is that way. Example:

I'd spend the day with you.
I would find the words to say
and tell you "I love you".
I'd laugh, and cry, and knowing you,
You'd do the same to me.

you did that with the line that ends with "knowing you". It just causes the poem to be jerky.

You are definately a good poet I just wanted to comment on that one little thing. Keep up the good work and I look forward to reading more by you in the future.

JFreak
tulip
Member
since 07-04-99
Posts 324
unknown


2 posted 07-10-99 01:58 PM       View Profile for tulip   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for tulip

JFreak,
Thanks for commenting. I wasn't really paying attention when I wrote it, I just wrote it. I appreciate your thoughts!
 
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