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Passions in Poetry

before I fall ( please comment.)

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mia
Member
since 07-06-99
Posts 120


0 posted 07-09-99 02:46 PM       View Profile for mia   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for mia


I become the moon
and him, the sun
we replay their endless chase
through the black and blue sky
together we have created forever
that lasts until the end of our time
when?
I do not know.
Forever stands in this moment
and this moment,
belongs to us.

So I say to him silently:
"Sing me to sleep once more,
oh sweet love...
I beg.
Let me wake to your smell of sleep and sex
let me look at you once more
before I fall."

______________

have a nice weekend guys... read you Monday!

mia.

~ I know that not everyone can hack these raindrops of words... but I still hope that some of you can enjoy them...~
© Copyright 1999 mia - All Rights Reserved
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 06-05-99
Posts 26302
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA


1 posted 07-09-99 03:19 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Mia, it is a touching poem with great sentiment......
hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 07-05-99
Posts 11105
Glen Hope, PA USA


2 posted 07-09-99 03:42 PM       View Profile for hoot_owl_rn   Email hoot_owl_rn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit hoot_owl_rn's Home Page   View IP for hoot_owl_rn

I love the thought behind this one...my only suggestion would be to improve the flow just a bit by making the line
Let me wake to your smell of sleep and sex
into
Let me wake to your smell
of sleep and sex

blueloon
Member
since 07-07-99
Posts 166
NY


3 posted 07-09-99 03:54 PM       View Profile for blueloon   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for blueloon

your free verse is great! Keep it up. I love reading your poetry.
blueloon
doreen peri
Member Rara Avis
since 05-25-99
Posts 8028
Virginia


4 posted 07-09-99 09:58 PM       View Profile for doreen peri   Email doreen peri   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for doreen peri

The first 4 lines of this poem are excellent, Mia! You've used a wonderful metaphor and it's very effective. As a whole, the poem creates an image of a tender, loving moment. Good work.


dp
 
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