before I fall ( please comment.)

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Open Poetry #1

before I fall ( please comment.)

mia
Member

since 1999-07-06

Posts 118

0 posted 1999-07-09 02:46 PM

I become the moon
and him, the sun
we replay their endless chase
through the black and blue sky
together we have created forever
that lasts until the end of our time
when?
I do not know.
Forever stands in this moment
and this moment,
belongs to us.

So I say to him silently:
"Sing me to sleep once more,
oh sweet love...
I beg.
Let me wake to your smell of sleep and sex
let me look at you once more
before I fall."

______________

have a nice weekend guys... read you Monday!

mia.

~ I know that not everyone can hack these raindrops of words... but I still hope that some of you can enjoy them...~

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

1 posted 1999-07-09 03:19 PM

Mia, it is a touching poem with great sentiment......

hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius

since 1999-07-05

Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA

2 posted 1999-07-09 03:42 PM

I love the thought behind this one...my only suggestion would be to improve the flow just a bit by making the line
Let me wake to your smell of sleep and sex
into
Let me wake to your smell
of sleep and sex

blueloon
Member

since 1999-07-07

Posts 161
NY

3 posted 1999-07-09 03:54 PM

your free verse is great! Keep it up. I love reading your poetry.
blueloon

doreen peri
Member Elite

since 1999-05-25

Posts 3812
Virginia

4 posted 1999-07-09 09:58 PM

The first 4 lines of this poem are excellent, Mia! You've used a wonderful metaphor and it's very effective. As a whole, the poem creates an image of a tender, loving moment. Good work.

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