All those decisions I made
somehow ended up right here,
tangled into pockets of lint and receipts
and closed fists
(right and wrong stayed a novelty unapplied,
the formula freedom I won't understand)
While I faltered, amassing psyche,
collecting amusements as fair play,
you went on living without me.
I was numb for a time gathering my pennies,
blowing out candles and rhyming wishes into blackness,
waiting for the stars to see me as worthy -
until even the heavens denied me it's table scraps
unless I refused my own restlessness -
I don't know how to return to where you are;
it's always been me crossing borders,
wondering when the casualties would finally wash ashore -
I couldn't simply accept it all without feeling compromised
but I never thought that I'd win somehow
or end up with a quarter century unsettled, swirling around me...
so close I can still feel it's breath.